


Love and other feelings

by yunchannn



Series: Celebrity/Kpop AU [1]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boyband, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Idols, Alternate Universe - Kpop, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, Slow Burn, khan is totally whipped for peanut, mentions of other pro players, prayrilla if u squint, who isn't tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2019-12-18 07:32:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yunchannn/pseuds/yunchannn
Summary: Dongha shouldn't really fall in love with his best friend specially when they're one of the biggest pop idol groups in the country, on the verge of becoming famous globally.But when his best friend is a certain cutie named Han Wangho, who can blame him really?As Dongha struggles with his growing feelings for his friend and the pressures that come with fame, he must make a choice: ignore everything he feels for Wangho or risk not just their relationship but also their career. However Wangho hides a secret of his own that when revealed, can threaten everything they worked so hard for.[AU that literally no one asked for but me where '18 kingzone is a kpop group]





	1. don't try to trap us in the word love cos it's a greed that can't be filled

Dongha didn’t know exactly when it was that he started to see Wangho in a different light. No, scratch that. That was putting it mildly. When he started to see Wangho as more than just a colleague? A friend?

Dongha didn’t want to say “fall in love”. Falling meant you’ll break when you land and as much as possible, Dongha didn’t want to use that term, no matter how irrational it may sound.

No matter how true.

But whatever. He really shouldn’t be thinking this right now, Dongha realized. They were in the middle of a concert for pete’s sake. And not just any other concert. They were in the prestigious Tokyo Dome, something they thought would never happen in their lives.

And it’s a sold out one too he’d like to add.

“Wangho.” Dongha said as he felt a towel being pressed against the side of his face. They were downstage, just finished performing the 7th song in their setlist tonight and their next one was one of their more cheerful songs _Sugar Sugar Rush_ which made Dongha inwardly curse. Not only did it sound funny (never let Jongin-hyung write a song ever again) but the choreography involved lots of jumping. Which was why Dongha was worried for a certain caramel haired boy.

“Can somebody please check on Wangho? I think he hurt his ankle pretty bad.”

Their last song was _Dangerous_ one of their so-called “edgy” songs (just for variety) and there was a part where Wangho had to do a backflip. The audience hadn’t noticed it but to the members it was obvious Wangho didn’t like how he landed and just as the lights went down Wangho limped away, causing the others to worry about him.

Right now Dongha tried to check on Wangho but it was hard to do so as stylists and makeup artists flurry around him; patting his face, fixing his hair, clothes and overall appearance. He couldn’t move from where he stood and he thinks he heard one of them say that Wangho is fine but he couldn’t tell for sure what with all the commotion going on around them.

Thankfully he saw Beomhyun their leader pass in front of him.

“Guys please don’t force yourself okay? Is anyone hurt?”

The stylists who worked on Beomhyun were pretty fast, Dongha noted. What seemed like a few seconds since they’ve gone backstage and not a strand was out of place in Beomhyun’s hair, not a trace of sweat on his now shiny face.

“Water.” Came a hoarse voice out of nowhere startling the both of them.

“Please I need some water I think I’m gonna faint.” Boseong appeared with a harried looking stylist behind him trying to smooth his hair.

Beomhyun tried to keep his irritation at bay. “Can someone bring some water please? Is Jongin’s outfit done? And where is Wangho?”

At the mention of that name Dongha’s heart began to race but not in a good way. Wangho was nowhere to be seen and everything was starting to be a blur. Beomhyun was getting annoyed too and over the years that Dongha knew him that wasn’t a good sign. As leader Beomhyun always tried his best to keep his cool, appear calm and level headed in front of the others but now as seconds ticked by and two members out of sight, any leader would panic.

When finally Dongha was done getting his makeup reapplied and his hair sprayed on he approached Beomhyun.

“Dude I think we should do _Sugar Sugar Rush_ later it’s too energetic. Maybe we can do _Sentimental Lover_ or _Flowers for You._ I’ll have the piano brought up—“

“No!” Beomhyun cried out. “ _Flowers for You_ should be our last song!”

“KINGZONE you’re up in fifteen seconds!”

“Oh crap.” Dongha can only mutter while Beomhyun looked around wildly. “Where the heck is Jongin and Wangho?”

“Dude I really don’t think we can do _Sugar Sugar Rush_ —“

“Yes we can.”

It was like all the noise inside the small cramped space had disappeared with just the sound of that voice. That one voice Dongha’s been dying to hear, the relief alone made him want to melt.

Wangho stepped to his left already looking refreshed. At the same time Jongin appeared at Boseong’s side.

“Sorry about that guys my stylist misplaced my jacket and even Manager Kim had to go help in looking.”

With the immense relief that the two seemed to be okay Dongha couldn’t help but giggle, just imagining the sight of their manager crawling on the floor in search of Jongin’s jacket. Beomhyun smiled as well. A while ago he looked like a balloon about to burst with all the pressure.

“Wangho you sure you’re okay?” he asked and Dongha used this opportunity to really look at Wangho. Again he did not know exactly when he started to feel these things for Wangho but contrary to common belief it wasn’t the smiles or laughter that made his heart race in a weird way, it was Wangho’s determination and his dedication to his job that made Dongha admire him so. He had on this brave face right now as he nodded.

“Yeah I’m fine don’t worry about me. Let’s go on with the planned set.”

And don’t you just want to protect that face? Let the other person know you wish you’d been the one to hurt your ankle instead? Dongha turned away before anyone notices that he’s practically staring.

“Alright you guys let me remind you again not to push yourself too hard. Our health comes first okay? I’m sure our fans will understand. Now…” Beomhyun placed his hand in front and Dongha loved this moment, where they all come together to support each other, draw courage from one another. They each put their hand on top of Beomhyun’s.

Dongha closed his eyes, relishing the moment. This was one of his favorites after all and all together now, they shouted.

“KINGZONE!”

They threw their hands up afterwards before proceeding into the mini platform that will raise them back upstage.

Wangho always stood beside him, that was always their formation. Even in the songs Wangho’s lines usually come after his part, something about how their voices fit together. They stood beside each other now in that small platform, all of them quiet and concentrating as it slowly began to move upwards.

From the corner of his eye Dongha can see Wangho muttering something to himself. The lyrics probably? Or just some pep talk? Nevertheless Dongha decided to be selfish.

He let his pinky hook on to Wangho’s right causing Wangho to start and turn to him. Dongha flashed him a grin; letting Wangho know that he was here, he always got his back and Wangho grinned in return, appreciating the gesture.

They let each other go before the lights turned on.

* * *

 

Beomhyun raised his glass in the air.

“Everyone I’d like to have a toast.”

This was their tradition after every successful concert, always chilling off at a restaurant with their staff. Their hundred and so staff members turned to look at them.

“First of all I would like to apologize for my earlier outburst. I shouldn’t have lost my cool like that.”

It was immediately followed by murmurs of assurances and understandings. Jongin laid a hand on Beomhyun’s shoulder, squeezing it and it was moments like these that reminded Dongha why he used to be jealous at them.

“But mostly I like to thank all of you. Truly you are the ones making the magic happen. We just sing and dance on stage.”

It was followed by chuckles and some murmurs of appreciation.

“Thank you for never losing your cool on us I know how tough it can be managing the five of us clumsy airheads but…” Beomhyun let his eyes scan the room making sure he got his message across and Dongha can tell everyone was hooked on to his every word.

“Without you none of this would be possible so from the bottom of our hearts…” this was their cue to bow and they always did it in sync.

“Thank you everyone for taking care of us!”

It was followed by claps and voices saying their thanks and sometimes Dongha can make out a sniff or two from the crowd. He wasn’t surprised though. A lot of these people had been with them since their debut three years ago, some of them even from their trainee days. So everytime they did this, no matter how repetitive it may seem Dongha always said these words sincerely and he can tell the others did too.

If he was an emotional person he would’ve shed a tear too but come on. Cool, awesome rappers like him don’t cry.

“Now let’s eat and celebrate another successful concert!”

And with that, the five of them heads to their own table a bit secluded from the rest. As they sit down to eat it hits Dongha that with their makeup and fancy clothes off they look like college kids winding down after a day of school, not idols who just came from a 3-hour sold out performance from the _freaking Tokyo Dome._

Away from the noise and attention, Dongha soaked up the calmness of it all.

“Oh god I’m starving! Feels like I haven’t eaten for weeks.” Jongin immediately dives for a bowl of ramen, bringing the noodles in his mouth and not caring about the loud slurping sound he makes or the bits of soup trailing down his chin.

“When we get home I’m definitely chaining myself to my bed, nobody wake me up or I will stab you.” Boseong said

“I hate to break it to you guys but we don’t have much time to rest. Remember what _sajangnim_ said? We have to come up with a concept for a new song and music video.” Beomhyun replied

“I’m sure we’ll think of something.” Wangho said eager to talk about anything besides work right now and Dongha agrees, already thinking about his bed back home.

“By the way I saw this fan a while ago.” Jongin said. “She was holding this banner that says KHAN + PEANUT FOREVER and it was actually kinda cute. There were like heart designs all over.”

Dongha almost spits out the sake he’s been drinking while Wangho almost chokes on his food. It would’ve been a comedic sight had this been a sitcom.

“Wait, people do that?” he cried out. He can feel a blush creeping onto his cheeks right now and he hopes that his friends will simply dismiss it as the sake he’s been drinking.

“Oh that reminds me there’s even one of you and Beomhyun.” Boseong pipes up and Dongha mentally says his thanks. “It says PRAYRILLA and has a picture of you and Beomhyun hugging. I think it was from last year’s Summer Time.”

Jongin scoffs at this. “Ha that’s nothing new! Even before our debut people have already been saying that me and Beomhyun are cute.” He says it like he’s proud of it and a shy smile crosses Beomhyun’s lips.

“I still think it’s weird but whatever makes the fans happy.”

“Yeah.” Dongha adds. “Totally weird.”

While everyone stays silent, each concentrating on munching their own food, Dongha looks at Wangho from the corner of his eye (conveniently enough they’re sitting next to each other too). People actually think him and Wangho look cute… _together?_ Was his strange, unexplainable feelings for Wangho lately, been showing on his face? Is it possible that fans can see right through him? But no that can’t be true right?

It’s probably from that one time in this afternoon show where they had to hold hands for a game and the fans probably think they look cute there. Yes yes that’s probably it. The fans can’t possibly think they look cute as a couple because duh they’re both guys---

“Helloooo earth to Dongha!”

Oh shit had he been spacing out again? Was it obvious?!

“Um yeah?” he looked up to see his friends all staring back at him.

“What’s your favourite part from tonight?” Beomhyun asks and Dongha remembers that yes it was time for another one of their traditions now, where they always ask each other what they liked most about the extremely tiring but nevertheless fulfilling concerts they just had.

Normally it was Beomhyun who would start but tonight he didn’t expect it to be him.

Actually Dongha didn’t have a favourite part now that he thinks about it. Probably the time where everyone in the audience is doing the fanchant that’s what really fuels him, reminds him that everything was so fucking worth it. But that’s a given of course it fuels each and every one of them so while Dongha racked his brains for an answer Wangho raises his hand.

“My favourite part was when we were walking in front of the fans and I blew a kiss towards the audience, I saw this girl leap up and pretended to catch the kiss in her hand before throwing a kiss back at me. That was really funny.”

Dongha watches the crinkles in Wangho’s eyes, the slowly (definitely not sexy) way his lips curl up into a smile. He quickly looks away.

The others start to share their experiences too but Dongha-half listens, lost in his own thoughts.

He wasn’t naïve enough not to know that he really shouldn’t feel this way towards another guy, even notice these kind of things specially since Wangho is supposedly his best friend. He tried to rationalize it by thinking it probably stems from his fierce loyalty for Wangho. They’ve been through a lot together as a team and they were so close he can almost consider them his brothers.

Yes yes that’s probably it. Nothing to worry about he definitely wasn’t gay, god forbid.

When finally it was his turn to share Dongha had already made up his mind; he tells them that he totally likes the part where the fans all chanted his stage name during his part in _Dangerous_ and Boseong makes a joke about him doing a backflip as well to increase the chanting.

Wangho laughs next to him and instead of being annoyed at that all Dongha can think of was…

_Wow. I’m totally fucking doomed._

* * *

 

He’s pretty sure he’s not allowed to use his phone- much less browse the Internet- while literally flying a thousand feet above the clouds, signal interference or something like that.

But Dongha couldn’t resist a smile on his face from forming and he promises (mentally) that this will just be a quick look at Twitter.

The people behind their official, company handled Twitter account had already posted pictures just before they left this morning: “Thank you to our amazing Japanese fans! You guys are the best!” which of course was written in Japanese and below that were pictures of them backstage after the concert holding some concert banners.

So far it already had almost a hundred thousand retweets and likes and while those numbers shouldn’t really surprise Dongha he still feels a bit overwhelmed at times. He can’t help but think that a hundred thousand-and more- people adore him. Okay not just him specifically but for someone who was mostly ignored during his high school days, overwhelming can be an understatement.

“What are you looking at?”

Dongha almost jumps at the sound of Wangho’s voice. He thought the guy was asleep beside him- his bunny themed neck pillow looked super comfortable- so he was surprised when he feels Wangho leaning closer to him and even more surprised at how fast his heart was reacting.

“Oh you know. The usual comments. I like being motivated.” Dongha said with a shrug. Scrolling down the comments he can see that they were all the same; fans professing their undying love and appreciation.

“Or you’re just being overly vain.”

“Overly vain? I’m not the one here who hogs the bathroom mirror and obsesses over a barely visible zit for three hours.”

“At least I’m not the one giving a motivational speech to myself while showering. Seriously you can give a Ted talk already.”

While their group was close and tight-knit as ever, it was only with Wangho that Dongha can joke around like this. Growing up with Boseong, the guy felt like a little brother to him, someone he should protect and guide at the same time. Beomhyun their ever-so-wonderful leader cam be too serious sometimes and Jongin was…well, Jongin.

Looking at them now over Wangho’s shoulder he can spot Jongin from the aisle opoosite theirs sleeping with an eye mask on (a pink one too) while Beomhyun sat beside him reading a book. He always liked to bring books on their travels, Dongha mused. He wasn’t much of a reader himself but one of these days he’d try to get a book for Beomhyun, just a little token of appreciation.

On the other hand Boseong was asleep too- if his light snoring wasn’t enough proof of that.

“I think _sajangnim_ has good news for you.” Wangho said, nudging Dongha by the shoulder.

After skimming through a fan’s tweet Dongha decided that it was enough. He’ll never end if he reads them all so he shuts off his phone and tucks it inside his pocket.

“What do you mean?”

Wangho looks at him like the answer is obvious.

“I dunno I just feel like he’ll give you something. Like a solo album.”

Dongha scoffs but nonetheless feels some pride bloom in his chest. “A solo album? Come on you deserve it better than I do. Or you’re just saying that because you know that’s what I want to hear.”

All of them had been (secretly) clamouring for a solo album or mixtape of some sort but with their producers haranguing them for that new song and MV it feels a bit faraway now and of course they’d prioritize the group first before their own solo whatnots.

Now it’s Wangho’s turn to scoff. “You guys seriously underestimate yourself sometimes.”

“Okay but what makes you say he’ll give me a solo album?”

“I can just…feel it I guess. Sense it in a way. I’ve known our _sajangnim_ for a long time so I should know.”

Their main producer Mr. Park was a friend of Wangho’s father who, incidentally, is the CEO of the very same company they’re under and it has caused “issues” in the past but Dongha assures himself that it’s over now what with the success and appreciation they’re getting.

“Okay but what it if it’s you he actually wants for a solo album?”

Wangho averts his gaze and a solemn expression passes over his face for a few seconds before smiling again. “I doubt that.”

“You underestimate yourself too.” Dongha says before he can stop himself. “We all deserve a solo album so don’t doubt yourself.”

They stare at each other after Dongha says it, a bit longer to his surprise- and liking- then Wangho breaks it off with a laugh.

“Okay how about we make a bet?” Dongha says excitedly. “If I’m the one with the solo album you should treat me to some place nice. If you’re the one who gets the solo then…I’ll do anything you want I guess.”

The voices at the back of his mind were all yelling how suggestive his last sentence sounded but Dongha silenced them all with the assurance that this was Wangho- the dude will probably just order him to massage his feet or something.

“Deal.” Wangho said before pulling out his earphones. He closes his eyes as he puts them on, no doubt wanting to get some rest with the limited free time they have.

Dongha looks out the window- it was 8am when they left and they still have thirty minutes before they land in Incheon so Dongha relishes in the silence with the view of the endless expanse of sky before him, the sunrays beaming warmly on his face and the clouds looking like fluffy cotton candy.

He feels Wangho’s head falling on his shoulder.

He doesn’t move.

* * *

 

Being photographed while you just got out of a thirty minute slumber wasn’t exactly something Dongha relished in his idol life but at least he’s always got his handy dandy face mask on to hopefully lessen his just-woken-up-and-would-like-to-sleep-again appearance.

The five of them were in line as they walked through the airport with their bodyguards on both sides keeping those pesky cameras at bay. Occasionally Dongha would try to smile at them but not today; all he wanted to do was get in their van and doze off again so he just mainly kept his gaze ahead.

Wangho walked in front of him still with his earphones on and a few feet from them was Boseong who even donned his sunglasses on probably to hide how red his eyes are which sometimes happens to him upon waking up.

Jongin and Beomhyun were leading them and ever the kind soul that he is Beomhyun even waved at the crowd, eliciting a few screams from some fans.

It felt like an eternity when they finally got to their van and once they were safely ensconced inside Boseong took off his sunglasses.

“Oh thank god we’re here. I feel like I can sleep for a hundred years.”

“Tell me about it.” Jongin said, already putting his eye mask back on. “I’m so fucking exhausted I can sleep for a thousand more.”

The two heavy sleepers snickered before resuming their slumber. Beomhyun sat in front, looking like he was planning to catch some sleep too before their inevitable work comes crashing down at them. Dongha and Wangho both sitting at the back, decided to munch on some snacks the staff had prepared for them.

Dongha opened a bag of potato chips while Wangho munched on some cookies.

“Hey how’s your ankle by the way?” Dongha asked, his gaze flicking over to Wangho’s feet. His ankles were being covered by his jeans so Dongha wondered if Wangho still got it bandaged or not. But when he didn’t raise the cuff of his jeans for a bit Dongha began to suspect the answer.  

“It’s fine nothing to worry about.”

Oh no that dismissive wave was definitely something to worry about. He was about to tell Wangho that it was still best to have it checked when he was stopped short by a ringing sound from somewhere and for a while there a look of relief seemed to have passed over Wangho’s face but it was so fast Dongha wondered if he imagined it or not.

He watched as Wangho brushed his fingers against his jeans before fishing his phone out of his pocket. Then to his bewilderment Wangho smiled at the screen before answering it then turned his back to Dongha before he began to speak.

“Hey what’s up? Been looking forward to hearing your call.” Wangho was trying to speak as softly as he could but with Dongha’s close proximity he can still hear every word.

“Yeah we’re actually on our way back to the dorms now. Thanks. What about you? Busy day?”

Dongha couldn’t help but wonder who it was that Wangho’s talking to. They didn’t have a lot of friends within the industry what with everyone busy with their own schedules and technically speaking they were all rivals.

“Oh well…I was just hoping if we can have some coffee or something. We’re not really doing anything for the rest of the day.”

There was a slight slump in Wangho’s shoulders as he said this which burned Dongha’s curiosity even more. Who was this person to cause such disappointment on Wangho over a mere coffee? He began to form suspicions in his mind but he quickly tried to shush it down. It can be an old friend, someone outside the industry and really it was none of his business so Dongha shifted himself away gazing out the window instead while munching on his potato chips rather aggressively.

Before he can wallow himself into further self-pity (something he didn’t even understand why on earth he was feeling it) he heard his ringtone, an upbeat hip-hop tune emanating from his pocket.

_Gee who could it be at this hour?_

Dongha froze as he saw the word BOSS staring up at him and it took him a few seconds before he can bring his finger to that green button.

Strange. Why on earth was their main producer calling him?

“Dongha I heard you guys are back!” _sajangnim_ said before Dongha can even say hello. “I hope you aren’t experiencing any traffic.”

“No sir none at all.” Dongha’s eyes darted nervously around the van only to be met by his snoring friends and Wangho’s back. He was still talking to that mystery caller.

“Good. Come to my office once you guys arrive.”

“Oh okay I’ll tell the others—“

“No Dongha let me be more clear. I want you to come alone.”

Dongha barely heard his bag of chips drop to the floor. “Sir? I don’t…”

“Dongha, if we don’t keep producing content people will get bored. They’ll start looking for something else and while you guys are no doubt, reaching a new level of success and popularity you can still be outshined.”

From the background Dongha can hear some papers being rustled and a chair being pushed back. He imagines _sajangnim_ in his office, the big one overlooking the Han River probably going over to the window as they talk.

“So, I held a meeting with some of my staff and along with the general opinion of the fans over the past few months we’ve come to a decision.”

What was once a thick fog in Dongha’s mind was beginning to clear.

“Come to my office later. We’re going to talk about your solo album.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sajangnim = main producer
> 
> I've been wanting to write a story revolving around peanut and khan they were like, my lowkey ship last year and kingzone was my team *tears up*  
> so I decided to combine that with my love for kpop and voila I came up with this fic
> 
> I'm planning to make this alternating chapters between past and present, to show how they started as a team not getting along together to sharing their common dream and also to show how their past affects their present and stuff like that
> 
> also since it's related to kpop I'm planning to base the chapter titles on some songs that I think, fits that certain chapter. for this one I used part of the lyrics from the song "Let's not fall in love" by BIGBANG


	2. blood, sweat, tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> khan’s backstory, a little bit of peanut’s backstory and khan’s experience during his early trainee days

**THREE YEARS AGO**

**JANUARY 2015**

Dongha looks up towards the sky, his eyes falling on the big bold letters decorating the top of the building looming ahead of them.

OGN Entertainment. A broadcasting company that has set its sights upon the entertainment industry and was now recruiting talented individuals dreaming to become the next big thing.

“Hey man.” Dongha felt a light tap against his shoulder followed by a slightly irritated masculine voice. “The line already moved.”

With a start Dongha looked back in front of him where to his chagrin, a few meters were now between him and Boseong.

_Damn why didn’t Boseong tell me?_

“S-sorry.” Dongha apologized to the man behind him before stepping forward, positioning himself just behind Boseong once again.

Boseong was his close friend since childhood and they were auditioning together but on different roles. While he had fancy dreams of becoming a famous rapper, Boseong was auditioning as a dancer. He even stated that he was fine being a back-up. Dongha thought Boseong was selling himself short but whatever. He had more things to worry about.

He glared at Boseong’s back silently wondering why Boseong didn’t call out to him earlier but when he noticed the slight tremble in Boseong’s shoulders his annoyance melted away and he quickly chastised himself for even feeling it. Boseong was four years younger than him, a teenager in fact and Dongha can only imagine what must be going through his mind right now, perhaps an internal conflict once again between high school vs trainee life.

If they become trainees that is.

If.

“Hey Boseong.” Dongha reaches out to tap Boseong’s shoulder and it’s only then that Dongha notices Boseong has been mumbling to himself.

“How many people do you think there is?” Dongha jerks his head towards the sea of people in line ahead of them all leading to the spot where they’ll be given queue numbers.

The line was so long Dongha couldn’t even see where the queue number is being given and behind him he also couldn’t tell where the end was. And to think they’ve been here since dawn.

“I dunno.” Boseong replies with a shrug. Dongha wonders if his question only made Boseong more nervous. After all, the people in line were all their competitors. Sure they’d still get accepted if they give a good performance but in order to really guarantee your spot you have to stand out. And in this sea of nearly a thousand people, all with the same goal as yours, how can you do that?

“Maybe…a thousand? Or even more.” Boseong said, sounding like making small talk was stressing him out.

Dongha couldn’t blame him but he also wished he had someone to stress this over with. A few feet ahead of them he spots a stranger giving out bread and Styrofoam cups to the auditionees in line. Dongha wondered if he should get one too but with the state of his nerves right now he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t throw it all up.

For once Dongha was at a loss for words, couldn’t bring to say encouraging words even to himself so he just kept quiet, fighting the tiny voice at the back of his mind that was telling him it was impossible to stand out.

And he kept on fighting that tiny voice until it was finally their turn to get their number.

* * *

 

Wangho looked down from his father’s office in the 23rd floor. From where he stood he can see the extremely long line starting from the entrance of the OGN building to…god knows where.

It surprised him really, he had not expected these many people to be lining up for an audition. As he stood watching the line that was barely moving, Wangho envisioned that his future teammates will be someone from that line. He wonders where they are right now, among those crowd.

“Wangho-ya? You’re still here?”

Wangho jumped at the sound of the voice of his dad’s secretary. She was a young lithe looking woman in her 30s who always had her hair in a low ponytail.

“I was just about to leave.” Wangho replied, forcing himself a smile. He hadn’t realized he had been so lost in thought.

“Pretty long line huh? I never expected it would be this many. We might even extend the auditions until tomorrow can you believe that?”

Wangho ignored her by picking up his bag and swinging it over his shoulder. If the lady was offended by this, she did not show.

“The car is already waiting for you. Hurry up or you’ll be late.”

Wangho was about to head out when he stopped and turned around to face her.

“Miss Choi?” he prayed to god that he got her name right. “Remind my dad that my graduation is in three months. Or better yet can you put it in his planner? I wouldn’t want him to miss it.”

This time Wangho smiled sweetly at her although deep down it was fake as hell and hid all the emotions he’s been trying to avoid.

“Of course.” His dad’s secretary smiled back at him and Wangho ignored the pity he sensed in her eyes. Although he was used to it, it doesn’t mean it no longer affected him.

Wangho shut the door behind him, knowing full well how his graduation will turn out but a teeny tiny part of him wished that with him being top of his class his father might perhaps, spare him even a few minutes.

That was all he ever really asked for.

* * *

 

Ten.

There were ten of them in each row. Dongha couldn’t help his leg from bouncing up and down but nobody complains, everyone here completely understanding.

The waiting room was spacious, so big that around them people were continuing with their practice and Dongha can see dancers, singers, and even wannabe actors practicing their lines, what with OGN opening its auditions to different performing talents.

Dongha barely got a wink last night, stayed practicing until past midnight but he still had this fear that he’ll fuck up, he might jumble his words or show his nerves too much.

“I am so going to die.” Dongha mumbled to himself as he briefly looked up at the ceiling like he was in prayer. To his right Boseong’s legs were moving though Dongha couldn’t tell if it was nerves or he was just practicing.

“2040 to 2049 please stand up.”

Their row erupted in a series of expletives but Dongha just felt like his throat had suddenly gone dry, causing him to fear even more about his performance.  He caught Boseong’s eye as they stood up.

“We are so going to die.”

* * *

 

They followed a woman in a pantsuit who had a clipboard in hand.

“Yes I am sending them in now.” Dongha heard the woman say before they were ushered in a room that will soon decide their fate.

“Stand here.” The woman made them stand against the wall. The room was designed like a dance studio with its smooth wooden floors and mirrored walls. A table was situated in front and sitting behind it was a strict looking man in his 40s or 50s.

The woman who ushered them in approached him and handed out a couple of papers which Dongha recognizes as the application forms they filled up, stating their basic information and what they were auditioning for.

Dongha directed his gaze away, focusing instead on the walls which unfortunately for him reflected all of their pale, anxious faces. Beside him Boseong closes his eyes and lets out a slow exhale. He wonders if Boseong was giving himself a pep talk.

“Okay let’s start. 2040.”

2040 was a girl standing to Dongha’s left, a girl around his age and had long silky black hair. She made her way over to the center and all eyes were on her now but all Dongha can think about was how he will be called next and shit what if he fucks this up or the judge thinks he’s terrible or---

The girl opens her mouth to sing but on the first note she lets out a slight tremble and she just stays rooted on the spot, her fingers visibly shaking. She wasn’t even finished yet when the judge held up his hand.

“Stop. Next.”

The words were like a bomb to Dongha and to everyone. The reality of their situation began to sink in: how their dreams literally depended on whether or not this man will say those two words to them.

“B-but sir I haven’t—“

“I said stop. Next please.”

The girl was showing her nerves too much that one was obvious but Dongha couldn’t blame her. His heart went out to her as she ran out of the room, head bent down. Then reality sinks in once again.

“I said next please we don’t have much time!”

Boseong gently pushes him, muttering words of encouragement but it barely registers to Dongha as he fumbles towards the center.

_This is it, this is it, this is it!_

Dongha gulped, wondering if he should introduce himself or not. Ugh why was he one of the first ones anyway?! And why did he have to piss off the judge right away, stupid stupid!

The judge moves his eyes up and down Dongha’s application paper.

“Hmm…a rapper. Did you bring your own CD?”

 The woman with the clipboard speaks up. “Yes he did sir.”

“And what song will you be performing today?”

The judge looks up to meet Dongha in the eye and Dongha mentally pats himself in the back for maintaining steady eye contact and not sounding like a bundle of nerves when he opened his mouth.

“I will be doing _Baepsae_.”

The judge nods a bit. “Hmm alright then play it.”

Dongha was given a microphone while his CD was being put into the CD player behind the judge. The mic felt slimy under his touch probably thanks to the thousands of auditionees who held it with sweaty nervous hands like his. He closed his eyes, waiting for the music to start and in the mean time he can only pray that he wouldn’t mess up.

When that familiar tune began to play Dongha opened his eyes and said to himself that this moment belonged to him and only him and he’ll be damned if he wasn’t going to own it. He may not make it but in those moments, the world, the stage, belonged to him.

And he was going to make everyone listen.

* * *

 

From a young age Dongha already knew he wanted to be a rapper, has always been proud of himself whenever he hits those lines without bumbling. Even his family praised him for it and encouraged him to perform in talent shows.

They weren’t rich. He never had proper training, not even a couple of lessons here and there. All Dongha relied on was the Internet, particularly Youtube videos where he also learned to rap in English though his skills on the language was still a bit rough.

He promised to himself that he was going to compose songs that came from the heart, not just songs that were “marketable.” But as his parents had more difficulties paying bills, Dongha’s hopes began to dwindle.

Back then the only thing he can do to help was through his part time jobs delivering newspapers around their little town and he had to wake up early to do so. Sometimes his old bike would even malfunction, forcing him to finish the rest of his route on foot and bracing the chilly morning winds just to earn.

If the talent shows offered cash prizes Dongha would join and would give the money to his parents, only keeping a few for himself and mostly he used it to buy some stuff for school.

His decision not to get into university shocked everyone in his family. No it wasn’t only shock. They were angry with him too. He can’t seriously consider becoming a rapper, they said. It was absurd. Unrealistic. Crazy.

How will they afford trainee fees? How will they pay for his lessons he obviously needs one if he was serious about it.

So Dongha got support from himself and his friends. Of course he thought that not going to college was crazy too but his heart just wasn’t in it. He could barely stand his high school years and couldn’t bring himself to endure another four years of sitting in a bleak classroom. Besides he had no degree in mind that he wanted to pursue. He only wanted this and nothing else.

 _They call me baepsae_  
(They call me a try-hard)  
Yokbwatji i sedae  
(Our generation has had it hard)  
Ppalli chase 'em  
(Hurry, chase 'em)  
Hwangsae deoge nae garangin taengtaeng  
(Thanks to those that came before us I'm spread too thin)

He held the mic in his left while his right hand gestured in the air as he moved from side to side. He couldn’t focus on anything but the song and his performance and in the middle of it all he even wondered why on earth he had been nervous at all.

Dongha let himself get lost in the music until his time was up.

* * *

 

Everyone watched as the lady walked over to the CD player to pop his CD out and Dongha panted, feeling sweat dripping down from his forehead. It had only been a minute or two but it felt so much longer and he sweated like he had gone on a workout.

Dongha lowered his mic, a bit disappointed that it was all over but when his eyes met the judge’s all that disappointment melted away.

“My goodness…”a slow grin had spread across the judge’s face and Dongha had a feeling he rarely showed that grin. He almost jumped when the judge slapped his hands down on his table.

“Where have you been all this time?!”

Dongha couldn’t help but grin back and he can also hear the other auditionees clapping for him.

“The way you moved around…tell me did you imagine you were on a stage? God it’s like you knew exactly where to position yourself and the way you pointed at me, at the audience…you even kept your gaze so steady and you had this certain aura.”

Dongha bowed. “Thank you sir.”

“Tell me did you ever receive formal training?”

“No sir.”

The judge’s eyes widened at that. “So you’re telling me you’re self taught?”

“Well there’s the Internet all for free.”

He got a chuckle out of that from the other auditionees.

“And besides we couldn’t afford lessons anyway.”

Everyone turned quiet at that, even the judge seemed like he froze for a second. His eyes scan Dongha up and down  and Dongha was too exhausted and overwhelmed to even feel scared at that so he just stood there, trying to catch his breath.

“Your skills need a bit more polishing but that can be handled.” The judge says as he turns back to Dongha’s application paper. “Did you audition for any other companies?”

“No sir only here at OGN.”

“Well good.” The judge stamps something on Dongha’s paper its loud “thwack” securing Dongha’s future and dreams.

“Because we’re going to make you a star and we’re ready to fight tooth and nail just to keep you. But looks like we don’t have to do that.”

The judge beams at him and Dongha knew he was supposed to bow and say thank you but his chest was too heavy with emotion right now all he can do was stare back, still trying to process it all.

The judge rearranges his face once again. “Alright, next!”

And only then did Dongha managed to bow, muttering his thanks. As he raised his head back up, Boseong was now standing beside him. They smiled at each other, not needing words to convey what they were feeling.

Dongha squeezed Boseong’s shoulder before he went as if passing his luck. Like Boseong was gonna need it. He was an amazing dancer after all.

Dongha went back in line. Of course he still watched Boseong and the others’ performances but he couldn’t focus on them as he replays in his head the words the judge said to him because those will be the exact words he’ll be telling his parents tonight.

* * *

**APRIL 2015**

“Do it again from the top.”

Dongha tried not to show his frustration, knowing it was best not to show he was feeling tired lest he wanted an earful from his trainers.

The song started again and Dongha tapped his foot to the beat.

“Yeah, yeah…”

He closed his eyes, wanting to focus 100% on the song. He ignored the pounding of his heart as he began.

_Let me let me tell you some first_

_sen cheokhago pom japneun norae anya  
(This isn’t a song where I’ll pretend to be strong and act tough)_

As he continued Dongha opened one eye, risking a glance at his rap trainer who had his eyes closed too but from the frown on his face, Dongha can tell that wasn’t a good sign.

Then he arrived at the chorus.

_I’m a dotdae daehanminguk dotdae_

_One and only fuckin one and only_

As he expected but at the same time hoped not, Dongha was interrupted again, his trainer pausing the music.

“Okay, okay stop.”

Once again Dongha tried his best to keep his face calm and neutral, reminded himself not to show even the slightest ounce of irritation. Just ignore the fact that this was his 7th time to be interrupted and he never went past the chorus, not even once.

“What’s up with your monotone rapping?” his trainer cried out. “I think you’re more concerned about rapping fast. How many times do I have to tell you that your enunciation is more important than trying to rap fast. The audience should understand you no matter how fast you spew the lyrics but so far all I heard from you is gibberish. Monotone gibberish.”

Ouch.

Dongha tucked his hands under his thighs, wanting them to stop trembling.

“We’ve been going over this already Dongha and you still don’t get it.”

When he first heard that he was going to have rap training Dongha had felt excited, believing he was going to ace this thing. A foolish part of him even thought his trainer would compliment him on the fact that he was self-taught, had real genuine talent but so far ever since day one all he got was disappointment after disappointment.

It was really becoming a struggle not to let it show.

“And you need to know which parts to stress. You just can’t spit out words here and there. Do you even listen to this song before you go to sleep like I told you?”

“Y-yes sir.”

“Then how come you don’t know which parts to stress? You sound like you’re just reading out lines from a book.”

Dongha wanted to cry out: _that’s not true!_ But when the recording played he couldn’t help but wince.

He did sound like he was reading out lines from a book except there was background music and a beat. They listened until the recording stopped and Dongha thought it was over but apparently his trainer had other plans.

“Listen to your past recordings.”

Dongha must’ve let out a sound because his trainer shot him a look but it was overshadowed by his voice being played from the computer in front of them.

“Hear that? Not much difference.”

He didn’t have to point that out. The more the recordings got played the more Dongha began to feel his confidence waning. He wasn’t supposed to sound like this. He was supposed to get compliments, improve his craft but he sounded like a goddamn newbie.

When the recordings finally stopped Dongha let out a shaky breath. He didn’t care anymore if he was risking his trainer’s wrath. The guy was already mad at him anyway since day one.

“Sir can we please change the song? I…I think it’s too hard for me.”

The trainer shook his head, even letting out a are-you-kidding-me king of laugh, draining the last of Dongha’s remaining confidence.

“Do you know why I picked this song for you?”

_For me? Does this mean the other rap trainees had different songs?_

“I want you to build your confidence.”

How ironic.

“I want you to rap like that. Angry. Confident. You have to sound like you’re the best. Have you ever heard a rapper who sounded meek? See the chorus _I’m a dotdae daehanminguk dotdae_ you have to make the audience believe that. Do you understand?”

Dongha can only nod his head. So he was stuck with this song until he perfected it while the other rap trainees must have much easier songs. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

“Oh look it’s eight now. You still have dance lessons right?”

 “Yes sir.”

His trainer only nodded at him, signaling his permission to leave. Dongha stood up, ignoring the weight in his chest that was getting heavier and heavier by the second. Just as he was about to leave the room his trainer spoke up.

“Oh and Dongha?”

“Yes sir?”

His trainer spun around in his chair to face him. “I wouldn’t give you a song that I think you wouldn’t overcome.”

Dongha forced himself to smile.

“Thank you sir.” He said with a bow before stepping out of the room. Once he was outside Dongha exhaled loudly, clenching his fists tight. Was that supposed to be a compliment? Because he could not feel it. All he can feel was anger, frustration and disappointment.

Lots and lots of disappointment.

* * *

 

_Hajima hajihajihajihajima  
(Stop it stop stop stop stop it)_

_Ne songiri daheumyeon michilgeot gata  
(When I feel your touch it triggers the alarm)_

_Malhalttae mada ne pareul saljjak jaba  
(Whenever we talk you slightly hold me by the arm)_

_Doraseo kkwak anabeorilgeotman gata hajima  
(I want to turn around and hug you tight, stop it)_

Wangho nailed it. He always did.

Finishing his performance with a powerful step and a smile at the audience along with a little finger heart, Wangho was greeted by cheers and thunderous applause.

Today’s program was different; the school had invited bigwigs from the entertainment industry-or at least their representatives- to come and watch the performances of the top students. A lot of Wangho’s classmates breathed in anticipation, excited by the prospect of catching the eye of someone from a famous company but Wangho wasn’t like them.

From the start he already knew what his future will be. It’s already been laid out for him and there’s nothing he can do about that.

After taking a bow and exiting the stage Wangho headed straight to the restroom. He stood by the sink and looked at the band aid around his pointer finger and as expected, he can see blood seeping out from underneath. Wincing out loud, Wangho tried to slowly detach it from his skin.

Just a few days ago his father had insisted he pick up a new instrument. Apparently being a piano prodigy wasn’t enough. So Wangho reluctantly picked the violin and now look where that got him. Not only did he have a couple of blisters he had an awful cut too which he only got last night.

He only wished the audience hadn’t noticed that, hoping they were too focused on his face instead. Bitter thoughts began to enter Wangho’s mind as he threw the band aid away and began washing his wound.

His father only urged him so that, according to him, his “quality” as a future idol would increase. They would salivate, his father had said. _At the sight of a handsome, talented singer whom they can’t have._

His dad only wanted something to brag about, to show those doubters that OGN was capable of having someone like him. A bitter laugh escaped Wangho then, at the thought that he was sort of like a trophy son. But even more bitter was the realization that he didn’t mind as long as he got his dad’s approval and he’ll show up for his graduation.

God since when had the bar been set this low?

Wangho turned off the tap, watching the water go down with his blood. If this is the price he’ll pay to become a top quality idol then he’ll do it.

Wangho stepped out of the restroom, deciding to head to the clinic to ask for a spare band aid. But then he stopped when he heard voices coming from around the corner. Two adult male voices arguing. Curiously, and knowing that they’ll never spot him, Wangho edged closer.

“I want that boy and I’m not gonna stop ‘till I have him for my company!”

“Sir I’m sorry but he’s off limits he cannot be—“

“Off limits? The hell are you talking about? Nobody is off limits here it’s not like these kids are already under contract. I have a party this weekend and I want that boy to be one of my performers. I’ll even send him money!”

“Sir I’m afraid we can’t be the judge of that. His father has sent us strict instructions that Han Wangho is not to be picked up by any other agency. You may talk to his father if you’d like see if he will agree.”

“Huh this man talks big. Who is he anyway?”

“Han Midam.”

There was a long pause before the conversation continued.

“I knew that guy. Desperate to prove his little company can do it.  No wonder he only wants that kid to himself.”

Though Wangho’s heart was beating wildly he forced himself to move the moment he heard footsteps.

“Such a shame. Had that kid been in the market…imagine all of the companies scrambling to get a hold of him.”

Wangho ran back inside the restroom and locked the door behind him. He doubled over into the sink staring at the little hole gaping below him, where his blood had once gone down.

The way that man said “in the market” like he was just a toy up for grabs by anyone…a sick feeling began to kick in from Wangho’s stomach.

He knew the “idol world” had its underside, that beyond all that glamorousness it was all hard work and shit unimaginable to the normal person.

But that was all Wangho thought. Hard work…blood…sweat…tears.

But apparently he had been too naïve. Or maybe he already had an inkling feeling and just didn’t want to admit it.

What had his father turned him into?

Someone from the other side of the door began to knock furiously but Wangho barely heard him as reality came crashing down on him and he began to throw up.

* * *

 

**MAY 2015**

“Oh god.”

Dongha groans as he is helped inside the bedroom with Boseong supporting him by the arms. It was half past ten and they were back in their room in the trainee dorms.

He lets out a small cry of pain as he sits himself down on his bed. From across him their roommate Lee Seo-haeng looks up from his phone.

“Whoa dude what happened to you?”

There were two bunk beds inside their tiny room with Boseong sleeping above Seohaeng while Dongha had the other bunk bed all to himself.

“Ugh I’ve got blisters all over my fucking foot and it’s getting more painful.” Dongha says as he struggles to carefully remove his old Adidas. Seo-haeng eyes his shoes surreptitiously.

“Man that must hurt.” He commented as if it wasn’t already obvious enough.

“Yeah so glad you don’t experience this stuff huh?”

Unlike them Seo-haeng was training to become an actor so he didn’t have as much lessons as they did and often returned here earlier than them.

“Dude why don’t you buy new shoes? These aren’t really suited for dancing they look like basketball shoes.” Seohaeng said

Dongha heaves out a sigh. “It’s because they’re basketball shoes! And I don’t have anything else okay?”

Of course someone as privileged as Seo-haeng would never understand.

“We can look around for cheap ones. You really need a new pair think of it as an investment.” Boseong said, trying to sound cheerful. Unlike him, Boseong seems to be doing good with his dance training and everything else. While of course they were both exhausted at the end of the day Boseong didn’t seem like he was as emotionally drained as him and Dongha kind of hated him for it.

“Or you can have mine. I think I have an extra pair at home.” Seohaeng said

After finally removing the darn shoes Dongha lies back on his bed and faces the wall.

“I don’t need your hand-me-downs.” He said in a voice that he didn’t intend to sound harsh but he can’t help it. He had been so frustrated over everything. His rapping wasn’t improving and his dancing was even worse. He got scolded many times today (he just couldn’t tell them that his feet hurt lest he provoked another scolding from the trainer) and his groupmates keep on giving him dirty looks whenever he would misstep.

Which was everytime.

Thankfully his roommates didn’t press him any further though a few seconds later he felt Boseong’s hand against his back.

“Hey I’m gonna go out and buy some food. Anything you want?”

Dongha couldn’t bring himself to say that he didn’t want to eat. He just wanted to sleep already but he knew it will only make Boseong more worried.

“Just…anything with rice.”

“Okay.” Boseong replied gently before walking away.

Dongha closed his eyes, wondering to himself if this is what he truly wanted.

Tears rolled down his cheek silently.

* * *

 

**June 2015**

“Is that all you can do?”

Dongha slightly flinched at the words. They said to keep steady eye contact with the judges but right now his cheeks were burning and he felt his gaze trickle down towards the floor.

“Our trainees who have been here for only a month can do better than that.” The judge threw up his hands. “Be glad _sajangnim_ isn’t here for your monthly assessment or he would’ve kicked you out on the spot. Ugh I don’t know what Mr. Yoon saw in you but apparently your audition was very good. Or was it all a lie?”

 _No!_ Dongha wanted to cry out. It wasn’t a lie he wasn’t some impostor. Dongha tried to recall the compliments he got from his audition as a way to battle the negative thoughts entering his mind right now but found that he couldn’t recall them at all.

It seems so faraway now and frankly, almost like a dream. He heard the judge’s disappointed click of his tongue.

“Alright next up is group dance. You have five minutes to prepare.”

Great. Dancing will be up next. Donga couldn’t wait to fuck it up too.

* * *

 

**JULY 2015**

Dongha cried like never before.

In front of this sweet, kind looking lady he cried like some tragedy had befallen him. Or maybe in some ways it had been.

A pile of crumpled up tissues were strewn all over the table thanks to him and the counselor-slash-psychologist let him cry all he wanted. Dongha was embarrassed of course.

He was already a twenty year old guy for fuck’s sake and he’s crying about his goddamn training. He bet the other trainees didn’t cry like this. They all seem to like whatever the fuck they were doing. When his tears had finally subsided the counselor handed him a bottle of water which Dongha took gratefully.

He can tell this was going to be a pretty long session.

“Why do you think you’re losing confidence?” she asked in that gentle, curious way that people like her do.

“I…I get nothing but you know…the opposite of compliments which I don’t understand.” Dongha sniffed. “I should be good at this thing but turns out I suck. I can’t get anything right and it’s just so damn hard—“

Tears spilled out of his eyes again and the counselor nodded, waiting patiently for him. Dongha grabbed another tissue from the box, feeling more embarrassed at how many he took already. When he had finally calmed down again, they resumed.

“And everyone seems to have it so easy you know?”

“Why do you think they have it easy?”

 “A lot of trainees here have been undergoing formal training since they were young so of course they’ll be good at it but it just makes it so hard for me to keep up. I’m getting really frustrated and honestly they make me feel less just because I’m not as well off and didn’t have as many opportunities as them.”

“But do you really think you’re less worthy just because you didn’t get formal lessons? Does it lessen your talent?”

The answer was no of course but Dongha couldn’t bring himself to answer. He was just as talented as them, that he knew. But months of no progress on his part despite all his efforts…it would take an inhumane amount of patience not to be frustrated and lose confidence.

“Can I tell you one more thing?”

“Of course.” The counselor replied even leaning towards him as if she wanted to hear him better. Dongha kept his gaze down and his voice trembled as he answered.

“Sometimes I feel like giving up. No, I want to give up. I think me being here was a mistake.”

He didn’t cry this time despite the pain inside his chest. He added another crumpled up tissue on the pile.

“I want to leave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs I used for this chapter:
> 
> khan's audition - Baepsae by BTS  
> khan's training song - One and Only by B.I  
> peanut's performance - Stop Stop It by GOT7
> 
> chapter title is also taken from the song Blood, Sweat, Tears by BTS
> 
> since I'll be updating irregularly I decided to make the chapters long and it's all relevant to the story anyway. I wouldn't put something that will not come up in later chapters! also now that I'm here stream Boy with Luv on youtube <3


	3. if you were just a dream I'd call you a lovely and sad dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peanut and khan goes on a (friendly) date, gorillA said gay rights, peanut encounters a certain someone from his past and khan begins to suspect something

Dongha was feeling particularly good that morning and it shown throughout.

“What’s up losers?” he said by way of greeting, even striking a little pose as he paused by the entryway to the kitchen.

Boseong was leaning against the counter and looked up from his phone as Dongha walked in. “Glad to see you want to have breakfast with us mere mortals.”

“And a good morning to you too.” Dongha beamed back

Beomhyun stood by the stove but turned to Dongha nonetheless. “Sit down I’ll finish this _bibimbap_ pretty soon.”

Wangho and Jongin were already on the table and as Dongha passed by Jongin gave him a fist bump. Wangho on the other hand continued to just sit there twiddling with his phone. He didn’t even spare a glance as Dongha sat beside him which lowered Dongha’s happiness battery from 100 to 95%.

Then he also remembered that they haven’t properly talked about their bet yet ever since Dongha broke the news two days ago and remembering this little fact lowered Dognha’s happiness battery even more.

Resisting the urge to sneak a peek at Wangho’s phone (what was he even doing with that thing so early in the morning?) he decided to distract himself by turning on the TV.

When finally Beomhyun was done with the _bibimbap_ and Boseong helped him set up only then did Wangho finally put his phone away and Dongha can’t help but notice the tiny smile tugging at the corner of the latter’s lips.

“Wow leader-nim! Thank you so much for the food this is just so delicious!” Dongha cried out just to distract his inner thoughts even further.

This earned him a weird look from Beomhyun. “Uh you’ve been eating my food for years now but thanks?”

“No seriously though.” Wangho perked up and Dongha wanted to thank him but shake him off at the same time. “This is really good.”

“Yeah Beomhyun we feel like we haven’t been thanking you enough.” Boseong said and Jongin nodded.

“Totally! So altogether now…”

“THANK YOU BEOMHYUN YOU’RE THE BEST LEADER EVER!”

“Aww group hug!” Dongha added, warmth blossoming in his chest at how much he loves these guys no matter how annoying they can be sometimes.

Beomhyun laughed. “Seriously guys it’s no biggie. Go back to your food.” But everyone can tell how much it warmed him up too.

They all fell silent as each went to their own plates, the TV the only source of sound inside the little dining room.

“Police have suspected that this is another work of the kidnapping syndicate whose notoriety is increasing and causing massive panic among the people in town…”

All of them looked up to see a female reporter in a grey suit while behind her a grainy footage played of a black van passing a dimly lit street.

“A kidnapping syndicate?” Wangho said

“Oh I’ve read about it recently.” Boseong piped up. “Apparently they take people randomly off the streets just so they could get the organs. Probably black market stuff.”

As if he and the reporter were in sync another grainy footage began to play. “Locals are being warned to stay off the streets late at night specially if walking alone…”

“My god that is awful.” Beomhyun said

“Can we please change the channel? Ugh this is too depressing so early in the morning.” Jongin said and Dongha, fully agreeing grabbed the remote to change it. The next channel happened to be news as well but at least one that wasn’t too scary.

“Preparations are in motion for this year’s Seoul Pride and a couple of idols are rumoured to be performing!”

Dongha frowned at the screen. “What’s…what’s that?”

Behind the cheery young reporter Dongha can see a bunch of…rainbows. Lots and lots of rainbows. And balloons.

A guy with a rainbow on his shirt waves as the camera passes by. He looked so happy.

“I didn’t know this was a thing here now too.” Boseong snorted before going back to his food.

“Me too. I thought that’s like, only a Western thing.” Jongin added

Beomhyun continued to watch, a serious expression on his face.

“Guys seriously I’m lost what’s going on there?” Dongha asked and Wangho gave a little sigh before turning to him.

“It’s just…you know…a celebration.”

“A celebration for what?” Dongha asked and Wangho looked like he was about to answer but Boseong cut him off.

“A celebration for being gay.”

If Dongha had been chewing on something he most likely would’ve choked on it.

Wangho threw Boseong a pointed glance. “It’s not exactly that. It’s just people celebrating their differences, telling others being gay isn’t a bad thing.”

“Yeah I know but I don’t see what’s the need. I don’t go about throwing a parade telling people I love my dog.”

There was a shift in Wangho’s stance like he was going on defensive and on normal occasion Dongha must’ve noticed it if he wasn’t still comprehending the fact that stuff like these existed. Of course he knew there’s such a thing as being gay and of course there isn’t anything wrong with that but a whole parade?!

“It’s different.” Wangho said with an edge to his voice that made even Jongin look up from his plate. “You aren’t exactly oppressed for loving your dog. Gay people have been oppressed for just being themselves.”

And now Boseong was staring at him as if Wangho had suddenly started speaking in alien while Beomhyun was lost in thought and Dongha can hear a small distinct “hmmm” escaping their leader’s lips.

“Okaaaay…no need to get all defensive on me.” Boseong said and everyone fell silent again, lost in their own thoughts and trying to ignore the weird atmosphere that just permeated their usual sunny table.

* * *

 

Washing dishes was definitely not a sight his millions of fans from around the world would even think of but here he was now scrubbing away like his life depended on it.

It was Dongha’s turn this time, while the rest of the group went on with…whatever it is they wanted to do for the rest of the day. Although they didn’t have any specific assignment it was clear their bosses wanted them to come up with new concepts, new stuff they wanted.

That was the thing Dongha loved most about their company- all these freedom to express what they wanted though of course their bosses still had the final say. But truth be told Dongha wasn’t really thinking about that now and thankfully for what seemed to be like the first time in forever he wasn’t thinking about Wangho either although his current thoughts were kind of related to him.

He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that an actual gay parade is happening out there; been happening for quite some time now and he didn’t even know about it. He also couldn’t erase from his mind how happy the people looked, working for the parade to happen.

Their smiles were something else, touched Dongha in some way. He remembered vaguely what Wangho had said over breakfast. It must be because these people are finally glad to have their voice heard and proud of who they are. Dongha was still busy thinking about it when he heard a voice.

“Yo!”

“AAH!” Dongha started. “Gee don’t just creep up on people I could be holding a knife!”

Boseong’s face came into view. He was wearing a loose shirt and cotton shorts, a towel hung over his shoulder.

“Gee why so jumpy this early? Anyways before I head off to the dance studio, I want to ask you about something.” Boseong hoisted himself up over the counter, letting his legs dangle and the sight was somehow, cute. If Boseong’s fans could see him right now they’d say he looks every inch the maknae.

Dongha sometimes forgets that actually, due to Boseong’s serious nature that’s why he still gets surprised whenever he’d don the cute maknae act on stage. It’s like he’s a different person whenever he does that.

“Yeah?” Dongha eyes him warily.

“Have you noticed Wangho’s acting kinda weird lately?”

Dongha feels a slight constriction in his throat at that, at the realization that he wasn’t the only one who noticed and now he’s afraid to find out why.

“You mean he’s constantly on his phone?”

“No! I mean yes that too but that’s not what I really want to talk about.”

Now Dongha turns off the faucet, returning the last plate to its case. “Okay tell me what is it exactly then.”

“Duh!” Boseong leaned closer but not before darting his eyes around as if checking if there might be witnesses. “I’m talking about what happened over breakfast! Don’t you think that was really weird?”

“Oh, that.” Dongha did have a vague recollection of Wangho and Boseong semi-arguing about something but couldn’t tell exactly what. Something to do with the gays?!

“I dunno wasn’t Wangho being a little too defensive? I mean I was just stating my opinion why did he have to get so worked up about it? Even Jongin thought it was weird too.”

“So now you guys come here to ask me about it?” Dongha said. “Look maybe Wangho just feels strongly about the gays you know? Nothing wrong with that. I feel strongly about animal rights.”

Boseong gave him a sceptical look before jumping down from the counter. “Alright whatever you say. I’m heading to the dance studio now. You can use a practice or two.” Boseong pats his arm before walking away with a slight smirk.

 “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

But all he got was a laugh in return. Rolling his eyes Dongha decided to ignore the comment and drop by Wangho’s room after.

* * *

 

As expected Wangho’s still on that goddamn phone when Dongha walked in.

“Whoa!” Wangho cried out. He was sitting on his bed, clutching his phone.

“Dude didn’t you hear me knock?” Dongha asked, trying not to stare daggers at the damn phone.

“Sorry I’ve been a little busy.” Thankfully Wangho finally puts the damn thing away and Dongha watches him tuck his hands under his lap as if they might uncontrollably reach for his phone again.

Wangho’s room wasn’t completely tidy but it wasn’t a mess either. A couple of books strewn here and there, mostly comics the two of them liked to share and some clothes on the floor but other than that his room was at least presentable.

“So…what’s up?” Wangho asked and Dongha realized with a start that he’d been staring.

“Oh no I just…uh, wanted to check up on you. The others think you’re acting pretty weird.” Dongha thought that sitting beside Wangho on his bed might come off as even weirder so he settled for Wangho’s computer chair instead.

 “Is this about the gay thing? Look I was just stating my opinion okay nothing wrong with that. Besides Boseong was wrong anyway.”

Wangho said the last sentence in almost like a whisper that had there been any other noise inside the room Dongha wouldn’t have heard it. But honestly he didn’t care about any of it and he took this as the opportunity to finally get a little bit of truth out of his friend.

“Okay well I wasn’t really talking about that.” Dongha found himself scratching the back of his neck, a nervous gesture that made him wonder if Wangho noticed.

“I…I mean, we…we just noticed you’re always on your phone lately. There’s nothing wrong with that of course I mean it’s your business but you know we’re just…uh…worried.”

 Damn it, Dongha wanted to punch himself as he fidgeted under Wangho’s gaze. Coming here was a mistake! He should’ve just left it alone but nooo! He really had to find out all because he’s jealous.

_No, no, no I’m not jealous! Why would I be?!_

“Oh.” Wangho seemed to relax. “It’s just an old friend. Someone from the industry.”

Now this caught Dongha’s attention.

“You see back in our pre-debut days…gosh it seems so long ago now doesn’t it? I have this friend who’s training to become an actor and he was about to land this contract with this company so both of us were so busy that we drifted apart. It’s only recently that we started communicating again, catching up on all that lost time.”

A huge relief washed over Dongha. So it was just an old friend after all! Plus it was a boy! Definitely not a girl so there was no chance of Wangho dating- no, no no, wait that was definitely not the reason behind his intense curiosity.

Anyway such was Dongha’s relief that he wanted to drop to the floor screaming praises.

“So this old friend of yours who is he?” it was a pretty normal thing to ask. If he was an actor then they would be in the same industry. And now that Dongha thought about it he did remember Wangho texting to someone a lot during their pre-debut days. Maybe it’s that person?

“Oh it’s nothing you probably don’t know him.”

It struck Dongha as odd. Was Wangho…avoiding the question? But why?

“Anyway.” Wangho suddenly stood up before Dongha can ask any further. “Congratulations again on that solo album. I knew _sajangnim_ would choose you.”

While Dongha melted a little at that he still couldn’t shake off the weird nagging thought that Wangho was hiding something. He knew it wasn’t his business but it was just so…strange.

“Thanks. I hope you haven’t forgotten our bet.”

For a while there Wangho’s face had momentarily dropped causing Dongha to panic a little but then he brightened up again.

“Of course not. Why would I forget my promise to my bestest friend?” and with a leap, he was suddenly behind Dongha locking his arm around his neck and they both laughed, the act reminding them of times when they weren’t so busy yet.

Dongha missed it so bad but right now as he laughed along with Wangho he couldn’t help but feel that it was all…forced. That Wangho was hiding something. Lying to him. Lying to _them_.

He kept trying to convince himself that whatever Wangho’s doing is none of his business but still he felt betrayed. It was just the kind of thing you’d tell your best friend and they both knew they’d been busy recently but that shouldn’t cause them to keep secrets from the other right?

“So if you don’t have any plans for today…” Wangho said as he releases a flustered Dongha from his grasp. “I know this place that sells delicious frozen yogurt.”

“Wow.” Dongha replies. “All I get from my solo album is one cup of frozen yogurt. Nice.”

“It doesn’t have to be one cup.” Wangho says, settling back on his bed. “You can go for two or more. Seriously it’s that delicious. And we can spend the day out just the two of us.”

_Just the two of us._

That alone was already music to Dongha’s ears and he couldn’t stop himself from grinning.

“Okay sounds like a plan. But wouldn’t we get mobbed though? People sure are going to recognize us.”

“We can request for bodyguards.” Wangho shrugs. “Or we can wear those fake wigs like we did back in Thailand!”

Dongha laughs at the memory. It wasn’t too long ago that they held a concert in Bangkok and since it was their first time going there they had read up on travel blogs about the place and all the articles agreed on one thing: Thai street food was seriously the best.

So it didn’t take long for the boys to collectively agree to try it out and it was Jongin who came up with the plan to wear fake wigs so they wouldn’t be recognized by the fans. It had all become a hilarious memory for them, Beomhyun had even bought a fake moustache and took selfies with it.

“Dude I am not going blonde again! The color looks terrible on me.”

“Right.” Wangho said as his laughter subsides. “Should we settle for the standard face mask and cap thing again?”

Dongha stands up, more than ready to head out. “Alright I’ll go and call _sajangnim_ that we’re heading out so he can get the guards. I’ll go take a shower now.”

“Same.” Wangho says and what a relief, Dongha thinks to himself, that he and Wangho can hang out again like this. It’s been a while. A long, long while actually and it wasn’t just them hanging out. It was the fact that they get to spend a day out to themselves like they did before.

Sure they’re required to have bodyguards now but still. Dongha was just too happy he can already hear himself humming.

* * *

 

Producer Kim turns off the TV before plopping himself back to his seat. Beomhyun watches with bated breath as the chair sways a bit from side to side because of the said action before it finally settles down.

The silence seemed to him like a monster just waiting to eat him up.

“Beomhyun…” sajangnim finally says and Beomhyun realizes at that moment, that he was sweating.

“Are you sure about this?”

Despite the tiny voices in his head and his heart thumping against his chest like mad, Beomhyun nods.

“Yes sir. I’ve never been more sure.”

Sajangnim lets out a little “hmm” before resuming. “Okay if that’s what you want then I have no qualms with it and honestly I think it’s a wonderful, unique concept. But Beomhyun…”

Sajangnim leans forward and looks at him squarely in the eye. For the first time Beomhyun sees pity in them, not just concern.

“You are going to receive backlash I’m sure of it. While the Western fans are going to go crazy for it we have to think about our local fans first. Ours is a conservative society Beomhyun. I can’t guarantee your safety if we release something like this.”

Beomhyun wasn’t just nervous now he was utterly scared and confused as well.

“Safety? W-what do you mean?”

They were just going to release a song, what was _sajangnim_ talking about? Beomhyun knew very well that their society as a whole was still backwards in ways of thinking and this was why he had come up with this idea and even their boss agreed. So what “safety” was he talking about?

Beomhyun watches as _sajangnim p_ ulls out his Ipad, logs into a few apps and finally gestures for him to come and take a look.

And what Beomhyun sees leaves him shaking.

“People are actually leaving death threats?!” he cries out. Seeing as those articles and videos made Beomhyun turn pale, _sajangnim_ puts his Ipad away.

“You can’t be serious!” Beomhyun says like this was something their boss can control. “It’s just people celebrating their differences! Wanting to create a change in this world! What’s so wrong with that?”

“Beomhyun you do realize there are still lots out there who aren’t so accepting?”

For a brief while there Boseong’s face comes into mind and Beomhyun forcefully pushes it away. Boseong was his friend and was like a little brother to him. To them. He shouldn’t be thinking this.

“This is exactly why I want to do this!” Beomhyun says, his voice rising up a notch. He grabs the remote and turns the TV back on. A girl holding a rainbow flag comes on screen. Her smile touched Beomhyun in a way that made him want to make the world a better place and now that he actually has the chance he was going to fight for it.

“I want to make people like her feel safe and accepted. I want them to know that they are not alone and they have allies. Us.”

He places the remote back on the table with a loud thud as if further cementing his decision. “And I am not letting a bunch of close minded trolls or whatever, scare me away from doing this.”

If Beomhyun can read minds he’ll see that right now their _sajangnim_ was thinking how crazy he is. But at the same time, so damn proud.

“Alright Beomhyun. I am with you on this and I’m gonna have a meeting with the other producers. But we still need one more go signal.”

Beomhyun nonetheless, smiles with relief.

“Whose go signal are we waiting for?”

“Your friends.”

Beomhyun instantly realizes that their opinion is the only one he is dreading to hear. But it was Boseong he was dreading the most.

“Have you already talked to them about this?”

“No sir.”

 _Sajangnim_ taps his fingers against the table. “Well, you better go and talk to them soon. Because if they don’t agree then I’m sorry but you have to come up with another concept.”

* * *

 

Going out with their bodyguards wasn’t necessarily a bad thing and besides with the way they’re dressed Dongha can almost pretend they’re just another stranger in the mall.

On days like this their bodyguards weren’t dressed in typical all black; instead they’re decked out in casual clothes and kept their distance from Wangho and Dongha but still kept a watchful eye on them in case they get pounced on by a rabid fan.

Recognizing them would take a lot of effort though. Right now the boys were both stuffed in hoodies and wearing masks. Even Wangho had put on a pair of fake glasses which was becoming a struggle for Dongha not to comment on. But eventually he gave in.

“You look like the cute shy nerd in teen movies.” He says as they settle for a small table at the back of the froyo place. The place itself wasn’t too big either and gave off a coffeeshop-like ambience. The walls were painted purple and for some reason, were decorated with pictures of idols and actors. Dongha was pretty sure he’ll spot their picture among it.

“Thanks.” Wangho said with a flip of his bangs. “I worked hard to achieve the look.”

Dongha laughs and playfully punches his arm.

A waiter approaches and hands them the menu which was cutely designed as well. Dongha had no idea Wangho was into places like these.

After a few seconds Dongha decides to go for a blueberry yogurt with some fruits as his toppings while Wangho goes for a chocolate one with cereal flakes on top. Their orders arrive in no time and soon they were both happily munching on it, just two bros hanging out on a sunny afternoon.

The spell gets broken for a while though when they catch a familiar tune start to play from the overhead speakers.

 _Oh girl you say I’m your only one_  
but who are you texting at night  
when you think I’m asleep  
who are you laughing with  
when you think I’m not looking

“Oh my god.” Wangho groans. “People still play that song? It’s like centuries old.”

“Dude.” Dongha frantically glances around. There weren’t much people inside the froyo place, only a couple of teenagers busy on their phones and a college age guy with a laptop. The waiter who took their order was nowhere to be seen.

“Do you think the waiter recognized us? Is that why they started playing _Liar Lover_?”

It was one of their early songs, one that many claimed catapulted them to fame. While it was well received locally, some international fans had claimed it was “toxic.” Dongha can never understand why their local fans and international fans specially those in the West always had varying opinions.

“I don’t think so.” Wangho replies though he did seem a bit nervous for a sec. “They would’ve asked us for an autograph don’t you think?”

“Maybe they’re not a fan.” Dongha chuckles

“Or he’s a solo stan.” Wangho replies to which they both erupted in a fit of giggles. They return to their yogurts, both trying to ignore their recorded voices practically booming above them.

“So what are your plans for your album? Got any ideas yet?” Wangho asks and this time it was Dongha’s turn to groan.

“Dude can we not talk about work for a while? I’m trying to relax here before I spend another ten weeks of sleepless nights. Anyway _sajangnim_ told me to take my time and besides the public doesn’t know yet.”

“Really?” Wangho seemed surprised at that. “Okay then. Exchange!”

Without a word, Dongha pushes his cup of half-eaten froyo towards Wangho who does the same.

“Ugh blueberry. Tell me again why you like this thing so much?”

“Just because it is dear Wangho. You don’t always need to have a reason for liking things.”

Wangho hums playfully into his spoon before digging in. it was something the two have come up with whenever they’d eat outside- to exchange orders in the middle of the meal just to have a taste on what the other’s eating.

Now Dongha adjusts to the feeling of chocolate on his tongue while Wangho proceeds to ask about mundane stuff- is he watching any movie or TV series, reading any manga, etc. to which Dongha is thankful for as it takes the edge off him. Soon they were done with their froyos and as promised Wangho pays for it. Now they were outside casually taking a look around.

“What do we do now?” Wangho asks, tucking his hands in the pocket of his hoodie.

Oooh Dongha sure was going to make the most out of this.

“Arcade!” he cried out and as if they were overeager twelve year olds they both break into a run, not bothering for once if their bodyguards can follow them.

The arcade was located at the top floor of the mall and when they got to it they were both panting like crazy.

“Which first?” Wangho asked as they went in. both of their eyes were twinkling as they looked around.

“Basketball!” Dongha suggests and so that’s how they ended up chucking balls into hoops for twenty minutes. They both couldn’t believe they were spending their salary on this. At one time Dongha even threw the ball so hard it bounced back and hit him in the head and like the best friend that he was Wangho guffawed at the sight.

Dongha decided to take his revenge at Tekken but unfortunately he didn’t expect Wangho to be an expert at this even though he had chosen Panda by accident and Dongha was already Heihachi.

“Dude you suck at this!” Wangho says after their fifth round.

“The controls are a little loose!” Dongha replies, trying to ignore the blush on his cheeks which causes Wangho to laugh even more.

Next they went to the shooting games and they were both feeling it, even making badass poses with their plastic guns and their bodyguards coerced into taking pictures. Next they played air hockey which both were surprisingly good at and neither wanted to give in so it had turned into quite an intense match.

Soon they were both sweating and throwing mock insults at each other as they swayed from side to side, making sure the puck wouldn’t go in. after what seemed like an hour they both decided to call it quits, their scores tied.

Dongha went to play Guitar Hero afterwards with Wangho recording him on video and as Dongha posed here and there like he was some notorious rockstar he couldn’t help but internally gush at how Wangho is literally videotaping him on his phone. Will Wangho look at it when he was upset and laugh? The thought warmed Dongha and so he posed a little more.

After that they both decided to try their hand on the claw machines.

“Aw man these things are cheats.” Dongha says but he takes out his wallet anyway.

“Here let me show you a trick.” Wangho says with a wink which causes Dongha to gush internally once again. He takes hold of the control stick and shakes it around for a few seconds before letting it go.

“There. Now put your money in.”

“Wow where did you learn that?”

“Just something I watched online.” Wangho beams proudly and for a second there Dongha imagines himself pinching Wangho’s cheek. He pushes the thought away, dismissing it as nothing before proceeding to drop a coin in. The claw machine lights up, playing a cheery tune.

“Oh, oh!” Wangho bounces excitedly. “Get the Pikachu one!”

“You’re so predictable.” Dongha smirks, not taking his eyes off the Pikachu plushie. Wangho smacks his arm.

“Dude just get it!”

“Aye, aye sir.” How can he say no to such an adorable face? Dongha does as he’s told and he successfully drops the plushie right where it should be. Wangho lets out a delighted squeal as he pulls the plushie out, even doing a little happy dance.

Dongha felt like dancing too.

“Okay now my turn. Move over.” Wangho drops a coin and positions himself, game face on. “Tell me which of these babies do you like.”

In truth Dongha wasn’t a fan of stuffed toys. All they do is collect dust anyway so he just points at random.

“That one.”

Turns out it was too random.

“Hello Kitty?” now it was Wangho’s turn to smirk but whatever. Dongha was feeling too good.

“Hey man just get it.” he starts cheering Wangho on as he deliberately gets the Hello kitty plushie from the pile. Now they each have their own little souvenir of this day as they walk out of the arcade.

Dongha wraps his arm around Wangho as they walk and he’s surprised as Wangho leaned in closer.

He doesn’t know why Wangho did this but Dongha definitely doesn’t complain.

* * *

 

The boys were back at the froyo place to cool off and this time they each ordered something that they knew the other would surely hate.

“Aww man.” Dongha groaned. “Raisins seriously? Who the heck likes raisins?”

Wangho had bought him a vanilla one with raisins and berries on top. To get even Dongha gave him a matcha flavoured one which he knew Wangho wasn’t a fan of. But still it was one of their friendship traditions so despite hating raisins to an unimaginable extent Dongha still took a huge mouthful of his new yogurt.

“So I’ve been thinking.” Dongha says, trying not to make a face as he tasted the raisins on his tongue. Wangho notices this and also tries his best not to laugh. In his pocket he feels his phone vibrate but decides to ignore it. Come to think of it this has been the longest he went on for not checking his phone though he did wonder how many texts he’s got already.

“What if you were abducted by aliens?”

This time Wangho loses it.

“Dude you’re still reading up on that?”

“What?” Dongha grinned back. “You know it’s one of my hobbies.”

Dongha reads conspiracy theories the way a five year old demanded fairy tales before bed. It’s something Wangho found endearing though this wasn’t known to the fans because Dongha doesn’t want them to think he’s weird.

“Okay.” Wangho concentrated back on the topic at hand, forcing a spoonful of those awful matcha into his mouth. “So what if I was abducted by aliens? What then?”

“Do you think they’ll be those grey two fingered creatures we always see on TV? Or will they be green and have huge black eyes?”

“I’d like to think they look like us.” Wangho says because it was the first thing that came to mind. Why would he think about aliens on a normal day? Only Dongha does shit like that and that’s why Wangho liked him.

“Hmm interesting take. Now I ask you why would these aliens abduct you?”

“Hah, easy. Obviously they’ll abduct me because I’m famous and they would want me to perform on their, uh…” Wangho pauses to think of something to invent while Dongha grins up at him childishly.

“Annual…birthday bash of their supreme ruler. Now I will be an intergalactic pop superstar.”

“But do you know that in most cases of alien abductions or at least the people who claimed they were, never has any recollection on why they were abducted?”

“Maybe because they’re not the pop superstar their supreme ruler was looking for.”

Dongha stares for a few seconds before bursting out laughing and this causes a few heads to turn in their direction. Wangho is kind of troubled by this but so far no one has recognized them so he guessed they were safe though he did adjust his cap and glasses for good measure.

“Oh my god you totally had me there dude. For a while I imagined Jar Jar Binks doing our fanchant.”

“Pffft.” Wangho chuckles into his yogurt.

“And a bunch of alien creatures waving our lightsticks around.”

It must’ve been the talk that made Wangho wonder if they’ve got sixth sense or what because just as they were talking about lightsticks and concerts and the whatnot they heard screaming from outside the froyo place and not just any other scream, but the high pitched shriek of… _fangirls._

Upon hearing it the two friends immediately tensed in their seat and in that moment Dongha silently berated himself for letting his guard down. He should’ve controlled his laughter, he thought. He shouldn’t have talked that loud and Wangho can see it in his face that he’s blaming himself and he wanted to reach out and tell him it’s not his fault it was bound to happen anyway.

But instead like the professionals that they are who has been in this field for long enough they immediately braced themselves to smile, preparing for that inevitable picture/autograph request.

Instead they found none. People weren’t even looking at them.

“What’s going on?” Wangho asks as they heard more screaming ensue but not at them. Dongha glances around. No one has come running to them, not even a camera pointed at their direction. Now this was something new.

“I’m not sure…” they both looked outside, at the source of all those screams. A crowd was forming outside, Dongha even spotted a group of kids still in their uniforms, running as if their lives depended on it.

Wangho motioned for one of their bodyguards. “What’s going on?”

“It looks like a celebrity has appeared, sir.”

“Whoa really?” Dongha said. Now this was rare. With the crowd forming outside it was pretty hard to tell who it was, Dongha can only see the top of that celebrity’s head.

“Apparently it’s Song Kyungho the TV drama actor.”

At the mention of that name Wangho stiffened which Dongha failed to notice.

“For real?” Dongha cried out as if he was a fan. “My sister likes his shows. Hey can you get me an autograph?”

“I think we should go.” Wangho retorted, abruptly getting to his feet. Dongha turned to look at him and only noticed then that something about Wangho was…odd.

“I…I mean, there’s a lot of people forming outside now. Someone is bound to recognize us.”

“Mr. Han is right.” The other bodyguard piped up before Dongha can even protest. “Specially with a celebrity in the area, these people will recognize you and they’ll cause a scene.”

Dongha was about to point out that they haven’t even finished their yogurts yet but he knew it was going to be a futile attempt. And besides for some reason Wangho was fidgeting now like he was anxious to get out of here which Dongha didn’t understand. One second they were busy talking and laughing over frozen yogurt but now Wangho wants to leave?

He didn’t get it at all and once again couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was up with Wangho despite his conflicting thoughts. Dongha stood up.

“Alright let’s go back to the dorms now.”

As they walked out of the froyo place Dongha caught Wangho trying to catch a glimpse of who apparently, was Song Kyungho and by the look on his face, something slowly clicked into Dongha’s mind and he did not like it all.

* * *

 

Thankfully there was no traffic and they were back in their dorms in no time. Beomhyun also sent them a text to come to the studio because they were having a meeting.

“What do you think it could be?” Wangho asked as they climbed into the elevator together.

“I dunno.” Dongha replied coldly with a shrug. He refused to meet Wangho’s eyes for fear that he might not control his emotions.

It was just the two of them inside that elevator and the air was suffocating for both of them, for different reasons.

“Dude what’s wrong?” Wangho asked. He tried to reach out to Dongha but the latter stepped forward as if he didn’t want to be touched.

“I should be the one asking you that.”

As expected he got a confused look from Wangho but thankfully the elevator doors opened and Dongha wouldn’t have to see it any longer.

Their friends were gathered at Studio E- the small recording studio they use and often fell asleep in due to exhaustion. Even without stepping in yet they can already hear muffled voices coming from the inside- and it didn’t sound good.

Dongha can make out what he was certain to be Beomhyun’s voice and he sounded angry- tense, which made Dongha feel nervous. Beomhyun rarely lost his cool. What could they be possibly talking about?

Since it threw him off guard Dongha instinctively threw a look at Wangho’s way temporarily forgetting that he wanted to avoid him right now. Wangho caught his gaze and he shrugged though he did look as equally confused and bothered. They shared that look for a few seconds until Dongha breaks it with a nod and he reaches for the door.

Immediately, they were hit with Boseong’s half scream.

“You’re going to ruin our goddamn careers that’s what!”

Jongin was standing between Boseong and Beomhyun though it was Boseong he was trying to hold on to more. The sight was so unreal Dongha almost wanted to ask if he was dreaming. And definitely not the good kind.

“You’re overthinking this Boseong.” Beomhyun was trying not to explode but the others can tell he was on the verge to.

“And how can I not overthink?” Boseong cried out, stabbing an accusatory finger at Beomhyun’s face. “This is our careers! Of course I’m going to overthink.”

Dongha was pretty sure their voices can be heard all over the hallway. He wonders if any minute now someone will come in and stop them. Wangho steps up beside him.

“What’s going on here?”

Boseong turns to him with a snort, a cruel smile playing on his lips. “Great. Just the person I want to see.”

Wangho flinched and Dongha repeated the gesture. What the hell does that mean and what was up with Boseong?

“You all want to ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for as if we didn’t spend endless nights sweating and bleeding ourselves of. But hey you’re all rich anyway right? You have a lot of money to fall back on so why don’t you just go on ahead with this plan and see if the people will still love us.” Boseong pushes Jongin off him which earns him a glare from the elder but obviously the younger doesn’t give a damn anymore.

“You’re all so selfish.” Those were Boseong’s parting words before storming out of the studio, nobody daring to go after him. Beomhyun made a move to, but stopped himself at the last second realizing that it would be useless. They watched the door bang shut behind their youngest and there was a few seconds of silence before Dongha managed to find his voice.

“What…what just happened? Why was he so angry?”

It rattled him truly. Boseong may not be his best friend but he’s known him the longest and was like a little brother to all of them. To see Boseong like that and Beomhyun so lost like this was truly something they did not expect on this sunny afternoon.

With a heavy sigh Beomhyun plopped down on the bench, running a hand through his hair. “It’s about our concept. Maybe Boseong is right. We’re going to receive backlash and it will ruin our careers.”

“No!” in an instant Jongin was sitting beside him grabbing his hand. “He’s just overreacting because he’s scared. Besides our producers have already said yes to your idea. You’re our leader we’re going to do what you say.”

Okay, whatever caused Boseong to be a ball of rage was definitely serious if it involved the producers, their bosses. Beomhyun turned to Wangho and Dongha.

“It’s about the concept for our upcoming music video. I’m not sure if you guys will like it and I’m not asking you to. We’re a team and I want you to be honest with me and please think this through. If you still all vote no then of course I will change it. But this…this is our chance to make a change as artists, as musicians.”

Despite sounding very noble the look of uncertainty was still there on Beomhyun.

“But it can also make or break our careers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is taken from the song "Best Friend" by iKON (STAN iKON FOR CLEAR SKIN)
> 
> on a serious note tho listening to that song again was like torture for me specially after what happened to iKON I'm still so mad over it. but also I thought the song fits khan's feelings/relationship with peanut so I went ahead and used it as inspiration
> 
> also maknae is used to refer to the youngest person in the group


	4. I'm a problem child, light me on fire

**THREE YEARS AGO**  
**AUGUST 2015**

  
I shouldn’t be here.

  
Dongha’s fist trembled as he knocked against the door bearing the number 313. From inside he can distinctly hear the muffled sounds of a baby’s cry.

  
_I really shouldn’t be here. I should be back in the studio working my ass off for nothing…_

  
“Dongha?”

  
The door swung open before Dongha can make second guesses. He looked up and was met by the sight of his sister’s bedraggled state. She was wearing a shirt two sizes big on her and a pair of pajamas which caused him to be hit with a sense of nostalgia. He used to see those pajamas at home. See his sister at home.

  
“Noona.” Was all he can say. At first his sister was just as surprised to see him but then a grin slowly spread across her face. She let out a delighted squeal before throwing her arms around him.

  
“Dongha! What a nice surprise!”

  
Feeling his sister’s arms around him made Dongha almost cry out from the simplicity of it but he stopped, reminding himself of what he came here for. All he can do was hug his sister back and they stayed like that for a few more seconds before his sister invited him in.

  
“Oh it’s so nice to see you again! Hope you don’t mind all this mess. Junseo, say hi to your uncle!”

  
His sister’s one year old baby was lying inside a small crib and Dongha couldn’t help but reach out and squeeze the kid’s chubby legs.

  
“Hey there kiddo how are ya?”

  
Yes this place- his sister’s cheap, tiny apartment was a mess with different kinds of stuff lying around and the wallpaper peeling off but Dongha instantly felt better. In fact he felt a million times better and he can’t remember anymore the last time he smiled genuinely like this.

  
The baby was sucking on a pacifier, curiously peering up at Dongha.

  
“Oh dear.” He heard his sister’s voice from the kitchen breaking his silent bonding moment with his nephew. “I didn’t know you were coming I don’t think there’s enough rice here but I can go out and buy something—“

  
“Noona.” Dongha stepped in before his sister erupted in a fit of worry. “It’s fine I’m the one who showed up here unannounced and besides I’ve already eaten so…”

  
Dongha of course hasn’t eaten yet but his sister didn’t need to know that.

  
“Are you sure?”

  
He nodded, even flashing a smile to try to assure her more. “Yes we’re being well fed at the dorms.”

  
If being well fed included one rice meal and a measly salad. For the whole day.

  
“That’s good to hear.” His sister’s shoulders visibly slumped in relief and at this Dongha didn’t feel bad at all about lying. He joined his sister at the table, taking his seat across from her.

  
There were books and papers lying all over, making the food seem suddenly out of place. The books were from his sister’s college days and he still don’t know why she just can’t sell them when surely she won’t be needing them anymore.

  
His sister was still in college when she got pregnant and her then boyfriend quitted school so he can take full time jobs to support them; their parents kicked them out because of it. His sister had to quit school too when the stress of academics and having a baby had been too much but when the baby was born apparently the guy wasn’t ready to do his fatherly duties and bolted. Changing diapers three times a day was apparently too much for him, or so that’s what his sister says.

  
Of course Dongha hated his sister for that. Their parents were already having a hard time paying the bills and keeping them in school; they were all relying on his sister to graduate but instead she gives them this. But when he laid eyes on his nephew (he had been the one to bring his sister to the hospital when she was about to give birth; their parents were still too mad to come) he found that he couldn’t keep his anger on his sister anymore.

  
Sure she was stupid for having gotten herself pregnant in the first place, stupid for even believing her boyfriend will take responsibility but the damage has already been done. Dongha can only do his best to try and help both his parents and sister. And his absolutely adorable nephew. His chubby angelic face certainly played a part on his anger over his sister completely disappearing.

  
Now as he gazed at his sister across the table he can feel a surge of pride for her for working so hard despite getting no support at all from their parents and still have time for her child. While here he was living in a comfortable dorm but feeling like he wanted to throw himself in front of a moving train.

  
He felt even more weak.

  
“So Dongha what brings you here?” his sister asks as she brings a string of ramyeon noodles into her mouth. Dongha wasn’t prepared for this, not sure what exactly to say. The truth? Another convenient lie? Thankfully he was spared a few more minutes when his sister stood up.

  
“Gosh I feel so bad not giving you anything. Here let me prepare some tea for you.”

  
Before he can even protest his sister stormed back to the kitchen and by the time she returned Dongha had already made up his mind.

  
“Here you go.” She said as she placed a steaming mug of tea in front of him.

  
“Thanks sis.” Dongha replied. At least the green tea’s aroma helped him calm down for a little bit. “I just wanted to see you is all. Hearing your voice on the phone isn’t enough.” He tried to smile but it came out wobbly. His sister immediately picked up on that but didn’t show it right away, jokingly chiding him instead.

  
“Aww you really missed your noona huh?”

  
But this time Dongha didn’t smile back, not even forcing himself to let out a fake laugh. His gaze drifted down to the steam coming out of the mug, wringing his hands nervously together. His sister lowered her chopsticks and stared at him and all at once it burst out of Dongha like a dam.

  
“It’s just…it’s been so hard.” He felt pathetic as tears spilled out of his eyes. “Everyone seems to be better and more talented than me and I know I should be good at this stuff but I keep on messing up I can’t get anything right! I always bring others down…”

  
He buries his face in his hands as he sobbed and a few seconds later he feels a pair of arms enveloping him and his sister’s head nuzzled against him.

  
“I don’t even know if this is the right thing for me anymore. I just feel like I don’t belong there. Like it was all a stupid mistake. I can’t be an idol rapper like I thought I could be. This is just a stupid hobby of mine. The kid trainees are better than me.”

  
“Why do you say that?”

  
Dongha slowly looked up to meet his sister’s eyes. She reached out to stroke his hair.

  
“You sound like you’re always comparing yourself to others. Don’t do that.”

  
“Well how can I not?” Dongha cried out. He shouldn’t yell at his sister like this but he knew that she wouldn’t mind and a tiny part of him felt bad but it will not stop him.  
Let me be selfish for once.

  
“You’re not there you don’t see what it’s like! The competition is fierce, noona! If I can’t keep up then my chances of debuting are zero and that means I have to train longer but if I somehow quit in the midst of it all I have to pay for the trainee fees and that’s…god I can’t even imagine how much it costs.”

  
“Then don’t quit Dongha you’ll get there!”

  
“But that’s the thing noona! I want to quit! I want to bloody fucking quit it all, just get out of there and get a measly job somewhere—“

  
He was cut off by a piercing slap. It was followed by a few seconds of silence, Dongha staring into space, feeling the stinging sensation on his cheek, letting it burn.

  
His sister glared at him and raised her hand as if to slap him again and Dongha didn’t flinch, knowing full well he deserves it but instead his sister stopped and began to cry.  
“So you think just because these fucking rich kids have been training since they’re babies you’re nothing?”

  
Dongha was surprised at that.

  
“Of course I know what goes on Dongha I did some research! God I can’t believe you’re selling yourself short just because some music academy kid can fucking sing.” His sister exhaled loudly as she ran a hand through her hair, causing it to be more dishevelled but she still sounded more together than her brother.

  
“Fine Dongha if you want to quit then quit I’m not stopping you. But if you want to leave just because you’re insecure…” she knelt beside him and took his hand. “If it no longer makes you happy then of course you can leave we’ll find a way to pay for those fees but this is your dream isn’t it? you told us how you don’t see yourself doing anything else but rapping and you said you’d fight Jesus himself if he tried to stop you.”

  
Dongha chuckled at the memory and his sister smiled at that. “Those kids you’re with…yes they’re lucky to have been born into some rich happy family but that doesn’t mean you’re worth less than them. That just means you’ll have to work extra hard but I know you can do it. You’re talented so don’t waste that talent on some measly job. Will you be happy selling barbeque on the street huh? Will you be happier if you go back to college?”

  
The answer was immediate. “Fuck no.”

  
“There. You have your answer.”

  
His sister grinned before enveloping him into a tight hug and this time Dongha hugged her back, burying his head in her shoulder and just soaking up her comfortable presence. “You can always come here you know that. Even if it’s two in the fucking morning you know I’m always the expert when it comes to knocking some sense into you.”

  
Dongha laughed. “Don’t swear in front of Junseo now.”

  
“Oh shut up you big crybaby.”

  
His sister dropped a kiss on his forehead before letting him go.

 

* * *

 

  
“Dongha?” Boseong immediately got up from his bed, removing one earphone. “Where the fuck have you been? I was so worried about you.”

  
Below him their roommate Seo-haeng was curled up underneath his blanket, snoring lightly. Dongha brought out the new pair of shoes he and his sister got from a thrift store nearby. Then he grabbed a towel that was lying on his bed.

  
“I’m going to the studio so don’t wait up for me.”

  
“Studio? What on earth for?”

  
“Going to practice, duh. Our monthly assessment is in two weeks I can’t afford to slack.”

  
“But it’s almost midnight!”

  
Dongha stared at Boseong with a look of disbelief something that Boseong has never seen on him before. “And so?”

  
That was the last thing Dongha said before marching out of the room, his face full of determination and a minute later Boseong grabbed his shoes as well, following him out into the studio.

 

* * *

 

  
**SEPTEMBER 2015**

  
Dongha waited for the music to stop before stepping back. With a deep breath he forced himself to look up and meet the judges’ gazes. To his side he can hear clapping coming from his fellow trainees. Now that was a first.

  
The judge at the center pushed his glasses up. “Kim Dongha was it? I’ve been hearing all sorts of things about you.”

  
Dongha gulped, not knowing if that was a good thing or bad.

  
“But based on your performance now I can say that was quite an improvement. Still a bit rough on the edges, need some polishing here and there but that was good. You’ve gained confidence.”  
Gained confidence.

  
Dongha grinned at those words, only realizing now how much he craved to hear it.

  
“You even added a little choreo to your rapping. I like it.”

  
Dongha wanted to say that Boseong had helped him with that one but all he can utter was a weak “thank you” his throat swelling at the fact that finally a compliment has come his way. After a few more comments, most of them positive, Dongha went back to sit with his fellow trainees and for the first time since he came here, a genuine smile was finally on his face.

 

* * *

 

  
**OCTOBER 2015**

  
Dongha tossed a can of beer, still cold, in Boseong’s direction. Boseong caught it in time.

  
“We totally deserve this.” Dongha said as he kicked back on his bed. “My rap training has been cut to one hour so I can focus on my other classes. I’m getting good with my Japanese too and they want me to learn an instrument. What should I pick?”

  
The words felt good in his tongue that Dongha wanted to say it allover again. This month and last month’s training had been a breeze. He still stayed late at the studios for practice but at least all his efforts were finally paying off.

  
Tonight after having finished their monthly assessment (which was needless to say, better than their previous ones) Dongha and Boseong decided to relax and sleep early for once. Or they will as soon as they finish all these snuck in beer. Luckily Seo-haeng wasn’t around, still out there practicing for some reason. Dongha felt so good he didn’t notice right away that Boseong looked conflicted. When he realized that Boseong was quiet did he finally take a good look at him.

  
“Dude what’s wrong?”

  
Boseong inhaled deeply and looked at Dongha as if he had some bad news.

  
“Some higher ups talked to me today.”

  
Oh god. Higher ups. What does that mean? Boseong wasn’t getting kicked out was he? No that would be impossible he was quick to learn, hardworking and talented--  
“Apparently my vocal trainer told them that my singing had improved and the main producer liked my dancing.”

  
The main producer?

  
Dongha’s mouth involuntarily dropped open. As far as he was concerned the main producer only talked to the idols or really important trainees which was why he rarely showed himself for their monthly assessments. And now the main producer had took notice on Boseong? This was big news.

  
“Dude! That’s…” Dongha’s eyes scanned Boseong’s face wondering why he can’t find any trace of celebration in them while he on the other hand was practically over the moon.

  
“That’s great! That’s big news man you should tell your parents.”

  
Boseong continued to look at him as if he was troubled and not at all noticed by the person all of the other trainees would kill for.

  
“They want me to be in an idol group.”

  
Dongha was surprised he didn’t drop his beer as he abruptly stood up and rushed over to Boseong’s side. “Holy shit dude an idol group seriously? Gosh dude that’s...that’s awesome! I don’t know what to say--”

  
“But I don’t want to be an idol Dongha.”

  
What now?

  
Dongha’s smile dropped in an instant and he debated whether to ask Boseong if he heard him right or should he pour this beer all over him.

  
“I said from the start that I was content just becoming a backup dancer but now...now they want me to become the actual star Dongha. And I don’t know what I should feel about that like I want to be happy but it’s just…”

  
A sob broke out of Boseong which made Dongha feel bad. Boseong must’ve held it all in the whole time. Dongha began to gently rub his hand down his friend’s back. He let Boseong cry like that until he was ready to speak again.

  
“My singing hasn’t been great. I always got scolded by my trainer and I can’t even grasp those bloody guitar chords!”

  
Dongha fought in a smile. So Boseong had picked up guitar.

  
“That’s why I just want to be a backup but now they’re saying that I have improved and I can be an idol it makes me wonder, why me when there are a lot of better singers out there?”

  
Ah so he hadn’t been the only one. Boseong had felt insecure too. Dongha felt ashamed for even thinking that everyone around him was having a damn good time. Of course they weren’t. He looked at Boseong’s tear stricken face and could tell in an instant that Boseong had cried himself to sleep too. He was just better at hiding it.

  
“They chose you for a reason I don’t know what but whatever the heck it is I think you should be glad because like you said there are a lot of better singers but they chose you. Shouldn’t that mean something? And gee dude you got noticed by the one man we’d all kill for and here you are looking like you lost your dog.”

  
Boseong chuckled at that and Dongha remembered the night he went to his sister’s place because he thought he wanted to quit. Now he was glad he didn’t and he was now the one giving Buddha-like advice.

  
“Why be a shadow when you can be the star?” Dongha said and immediately wanted to clap himself on the back for coming up with such a line. “Now why don’t we head out and get something to eat? Screw this beer let’s go and celebrate!”

  
Boseong’s face lit up. “We deserve it don’t we?”

  
Dongha helped him to his feet. “We totally do.”

 

* * *

 

  
**NOVEMBER 2015**

  
With one last huff Dongha got down from the treadmill and took his earphones off. If he was being honest he enjoyed his fitness training the best. Here all he had to do was exercise and make sure he watched his weight and overall health.

  
Now he walked over to one of the benches to grab his tumbler and as he sat down he overheard some trainees a few meters behind him.

  
“Haven’t you heard? They posted the news last night all over their social media accounts!”

  
“I was out practicing...didn’t have time to check. Besides they took my phone.”

  
“Not my fault you disobeyed the rules...so like I said OGN practically broadcasted to everyone that they’ll be debuting a new boy group next year, can you believe?”

  
That was all Dongha needed. Quick as a flash he got up and ran back to the locker room where he had stored his things.

  
_Shit...it all makes sense now...Boseong being offered to be in a boy group...oh my god…_

  
Heart pounding, Dongha opened his locker and fished his phone out of his gym bag. He first checked Instagram and true enough the first post he saw was from OGN’s official account. It was a picture that shows five male silhouettes (five!) and below it their announcement that they were proud and excited to show to everyone their “up and coming idol group consisting of five fresh faced boys who will take on the music world by storm.”

  
Barely keeping his grin Dongha checked Twitter next and wasn’t at all surprised to see that OGN’s post was trending worldwide. Dongha checked the time- Boseong was probably in the middle of his lessons but he decided to text him nonetheless.

* * *

 

  
**DECEMBER 2015**

  
_Make them believe you’re South Korea’s one and only._

  
Dongha kept his gaze locked on to the panel of judges across from him as he paced here and there while making gestures with his hand as he rapped.

  
_Make them want to choose you._

  
He had stayed up all night perfecting this one song. His trainer despite complimenting him, had suggested something else but Dongha had been adamant. He was going to perform this one, there was no other song for him. Not because he spent a lot of effort on it but because he saw no other song that could fit the image he wanted to portray.

  
He didn’t want a song about “fucking bitches in the club” or “rolling around in Maseratis” because that’s not exactly the image he wanted to show these people. No, he wanted to show them who he was- a rapper who wanted to tell honest things, honest feelings. Someone who finally found confidence in himself no matter how much everyone around him wanted to make him feel small.

  
He’s not only showing to these people to look at him and pick him. He wanted to make them see how much he improved, how confident he is with himself now.

  
_Make them believe. Make them see the real you._

  
Dongha stomped his foot, pointed at the judge then at himself.

  
_I’m a dotdae, daehanminguk dotdae  
_  
_One and only, fucking one and only!  
_  
_I’m a motae kkeudeogyeo ne gogae_  
_(I’m a natural, bob your head)  
_  
_soni gayo soni ga naege eum jungdokdwae_  
_(You keep reaching for me, getting addicted)_

  
Later on as the _na na na_ began signifying the end of the song Dongha slowly began to step back all while maintaining intense eye contact. When the song finally came to an end Dongha raised his hand and let the mic fall down.

  
_I’m South Korea’s one and only. Fucking pick me or else._

 

* * *

 

  
“It’s a tie.”

  
Dongha gasped upon hearing the words. He was made to stand in the center beside another trainee while the others watched from the sides with bated breath.

  
“But unfortunately only one of you can win so to decide let’s have a freestyle rap battle between the two of you!”

  
Gosh what a sadist. Dongha tore his gaze away from the judges as the other trainees went “oooh”. He turned to the guy beside him who was regarding him coolly. He knew that look very well- he can tell that the other guy was already viewing him as someone beneath. But Dongha wasn’t going to be fazed. Not anymore and never again.

  
“So let’s start with you Kim Dongha!”

  
Oh thank god he was going first. Dongha can spare himself from the predictable lines this guy was going to spew. He grabbed the mic, faced his opponent head on and began.

  
_“Yo bitch ass why you lookin’ at me like that?'  
_  
_Is it because my shirt is old and you think I look like a street rat?  
_  
_Well let me tell you  
_  
_You’re not the first one  
_  
_So go ahead and think of something  
_  
_Before I send you home running to your mommy”_

  
The “oooh” from the crowd was deafening which only made Dongha bolder. He stepped closer to his opponent and pinched his shirt sleeve.

  
_“Yes I may not be wearing the latest fashion like you  
_  
_But let me tell you something honey  
_  
_Yeezys are not a replacement for a fucking personality  
_  
_Are we even going to let you speak? We all know what you’re gonna say anyway  
_  
_So let me do it for you sweetie, save us the fucking time  
_  
_Yes I grew up poor, did not go to music schools unlike you  
_  
_But at least I taught myself English for free  
_  
_Did not pay a thousand just to learn how to spell d-o-g”_

  
Even the judges began to laugh and the poor lad was somehow visibly panicking, his eyes growing wide at Dongha who was now addressing the audience.

  
_“Yes this guy can rap there’s no doubt ‘bout that  
_  
_But can he make you believe he’s the one and only?  
_  
_Oh no I don’t think so, with clothes so generic  
_  
_You see I’m unique, I have the talent I have the passion  
_  
_I’m gonna rap about the truth so get your head outta that bubble of yours”_

  
Dongha inched himself closer until their faces were almost touching, only separated by the mic and in a low voice, finished his part.

  
_“And don’t you dare compare yourself to me.”  
_  
The rest of the trainees erupted in cheers and hoots, some were even whistling and jumping but only one thing was clear to Dongha: they were all chanting his name.  
  
When the other guy did not take the mic Dongha walked away, a smug grin plastered on his face as he recalled a part of the song.

  
_Naneun bul bul bullyanga ma bul bul ham butyeobwara_  
_(I’m a problem child, light me on fire)_

 

* * *

 

  
“I’m sending him in.”

  
Dongha was reminded of the day his auditions as he followed a woman whose hair was up in a bun and was leading him down a quiet hallway in a part of the OGN building that he has never seen before.

  
He was then led to a room and without another word, ushered inside. It was like another dance studio except there were lots of chairs forming a row on the other end. When the door shut behind him did Dongha realize that there were no instructions for him. Was he supposed to wait for someone? Then he heard a voice he immediately recognized.

  
“Oh my god Dongha!”

  
Boseong came running towards him and at the sight of his familiar face Dongha rushed to him as well. They grabbed each other’s hands and began jumping around, Boseong even squealing slightly.  
“Oh my god you’re really here!”

  
“Dude…” Dongha said trying to calm his nerves down because for whatever reason he was sent here it seemed to be a good one.

  
Then he noticed that they weren’t alone. Inside the room with them were three other guys around their ages. Two of them started walking towards him while the other one, a guy with caramel brown hair and a startlingly handsome face (Dongha wasn’t blind) was just sitting at a corner. He appeared to be in deep thought and wanted to be left alone which made Dongha wonder what was up with him.

  
He pulled his gaze away when the two other guys approached.

  
“Hi you must be Kim Dongha.” The smaller one said. He had a kind looking face and overall just radiated wholesomeness.

  
Dongha shook his hand. “The one and only.”

  
“I’m Kang Beomhyun and this is my friend Kim Jongin.” he said, indicating the bigger guy beside him who was grinning at Dongha.

  
“We’ve heard so much about you.” Jongin said as they shook hands. “Well, mostly from Boseong here we’re in the same dance schedule. And a couple of words from the other guys.”

  
Dongha was immediately on alert. “What couple of words? And who are the other guys?”

  
“Oh you know just gossip from the other trainees.” Jongin shrugged. “But don’t worry they’re mostly just jealous of you because obviously you’re here now.”

  
At first it didn’t make sense to Dongha. Why would the other trainees be jealous of him? But when his eyes scanned the room be realized something:

  
Five. They were five of them. And OGN has said something about debuting a new boyband with five members…

  
“Oh.” was all Dongha able to blurt out though he wanted to say something more. He wanted to scream and jump but outside he just stayed still, not wanting to get too excited yet. It would be bad to get your hopes up too much, he reminded himself.

  
As Boseong launched the others into small talk Dongha glanced around, his eyes landing again on the handsome boy. They met gazes for a good few seconds and whoa- Dongha was certain he’s the best looking among them- not that he’s even in the competition but he just couldn’t help noticing it.

  
The boy seemed to scrutinize him up and down which made Dongha feel weird, like he was exposed in some way before the boy looked away again this time his scowl further deepening. Okay, what was his problem?!

  
“By the way who’s that?” Dongha decided to ask, lowering his voice for good measure.

  
“You don’t know?” Jongin replied, sounding a bit scandalized.

  
Am I supposed to? Dongha wanted to say but he just shrugged instead.

  
“That’s Han Wangho.” Jongin said before leaning closer like he was about to share a secret. “He’s been training since he was a kid and he went to the famous performing arts school in Seoul. He sometimes trains with us but he’s got his own personal schedule and special classes what with his father being the CEO and everything.”

  
What now?!

  
Dongha was surprised he managed to hold his shock in but mainly because questions entered his mind all at once. What was the son of OGN’s CEO doing here? And training since he was a kid? What even--

  
“Alright the five of you line up!”

  
Dongha’s train of thoughts were broken by a loud female voice. The same woman who brought him here entered the room followed by all of the trainers. They all filed in and occupied the chairs, leaving the one in the middle empty.

  
“You, stand here.” The woman grabbed Dongha by the arm and yanked him to the side.

  
“Han Wangho-ssi stand here.” her voice left no room for question and Dongha was startled as Wangho got up from his corner and stood beside him.

  
Even his posture seemed kinda different and Dongha couldn’t help stealing glances at him from the corner of his eye. Boseong was made to stand on Wangho’s other side followed by Jongin and Beomhyun. All of trainers were looking at them now and Dongha was reminded of his elementary days where they had to check out specimens under a microscope and analyze them.

  
Right now he felt like he was under one and they were being analyzed by the experts, probably weighing their potential. Dongha’s heart pounded at the thought. What could the trainers see in him? In all of them?

  
And as if to answer his question the door swung open and everyone turned quiet as a man walked in, dressed casually in a yellow sweater and jeans looking like he’s just enjoying a day in the park.  
Dongha was still wondering who the heck that was when he heard Boseong swear under his breath.

  
“Fuck that’s the main producer!”

  
The main WHAT?!

  
Reality came crashing down on Dongha as he watched the rest of the trainers stand up and bow to the man who just came in. In return it made Dongha stand up straighter and even Wangho beside him seemed to stiffen at the sight of this eccentric man.

  
The trainers sat back down when the main producer finally took the seat in the middle. He let his eyes glaze over on each and every one of them starting from Dongha.

  
This guy was the expert of them all he can probably spot something the other trainers hadn’t even noticed. Dongha didn’t know what to feel. This was the guy whom they all vied for attention and now that he’s in the same room all Dongha can think of was how awful that sweater is.

  
And of course he was curious on what the main PD would say. He was still smiling when he suddenly leaned forward like an excited child and brought his fingers together as if he was taking a picture.  
“Look at them.” even his voice sounded weird. “Aren’t they perfect?”

  
“The rapper.” he said, his eyes landing on Dongha.

  
“The visual.” That was Han Wangho.

  
“The center and main dancer.” Holy shit that was Boseong!

  
“And the main vocals.” That was Jongin and Beomhyun.

  
At this the main PD seemed like he was bouncing on his seat from excitement. “They would totally sell! I can’t wait to see the five of them perform together!”

  
“Yes.” one of the trainers piped up. “I’ve heard their individual singing and I think their voices would mesh well together.”

  
“And the people would love it! They’re sick of having to look at the same skinny dudes. They’d want something new!”

  
And suddenly all of the trainers were popping off their opinions like they were clamoring to be heard. At first the main PD nodded along to what they said until finally he told them all to keep quiet and like children, they did at once. The main PD stood up, all eyes on him. He regarded the boys coolly.

  
“You’ve heard about OGN debuting a new boy group next year right? Well, I want that to be you. The five of you.”

  
Oh my god. So it was real. Dongha wasn’t fantasizing this all up. He was going to be a rapper. An idol rapper! God he wanted to cry and for the first time they were going to be of happiness.  
“We want you to debut in five months but if you’re better than that we’re going to make it three.”

  
Five? Three? Dongha was in heaven. Honestly he didn’t care how long it took as long as his place as a future idol rapper was secure. And if he had endured all that hellish training then he was sure as fuck not going to give up on this, not when he can practically taste his dream.

  
“From now on you’re going to practice together and will be taking on a whole different kind of lessons and training. If you cannot produce good results then you will have to be kicked out is that understood?”

  
“Yes sir.” they all replied in unison and Dongha wasn’t scared at all about getting kicked out. After all would they waste this chance? Surely they can make stunning performances what with him rapping and Boseong dancing and this Wangho guy flaunting off his charm--

  
“You can’t be serious!”

  
Dongha wanted to take back what he just sad in his head. Everyone got quiet, even the smile on the main PD’s face disappeared as Wangho stepped forward looking like a whole new definition of mad.  
“I can’t be debuting with them! They’re amateurs!”

  
Wow as if he was what, a freaking pro?! This guy was NOT charming at all. Yes he can be the visual but with that attitude?

  
Dongha glared at him while the others looked on, horrified as Wangho met the main PD’s gaze. They stared at each other, everyone watching and waiting like they were in a drama. The nerve of this guy, Dongha thought. Just because he’s been training since he was a baby and his father is someone oh-so-important.

  
Sure they weren’t being paid yet but the way he said “amateurs” felt like a stab to Dongha, a stab to all his talent and efforts and that’s what infuriated him most of all. He sounded worse than all the other trainees who looked down on him and Dongha began to wonder if he can put up with that.

  
“Wangho-ya…” the main PD stepped forward until he was directly infront of Wangho and for a second there Wangho looked like he regretted his outburst.

  
“The reason why you couldn’t debut all this time is because of that attitude of yours.”

  
Everyone was so silent Dongha was certain he could hear a pin drop. The main PD’s footsteps seemed to echo as he stepped closer again to Wangho.

  
“You could’ve debuted already didn’t you know that? But nobody wants to work with you and honestly? I’m not surprised.”

  
From where he stood Dongha couldn’t see Wangho’s face but he can see that his hands were trembling and his head had stooped. Good. Let mister high and mighty get scolded for once. But then the boss turns to them.

  
“I want the five of you to debut all or nothing!”

  
All or what?!

  
A protest was already at the tip of Dongha’s tongue and he was sure the others were too. How can they stand someone who thinks he’s better than them and spat out “amateurs” like it was a dirty word? But before they can do so they were ushered out of the room and Dongha was left to his own thoughts, his eyes glaring on Wangho’s back the entire time.

  
Fine they didn’t have to be friends they just have to work together.

  
They can make that happen.

  
Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the song One and Only by B.I for the chapter title and khan's performance
> 
> noona = the honorific a korean guy uses to address a female who is older than him
> 
> visual = considered to be the most attractive member; the face of the group


End file.
